Dear Amosa (advice for the rp challenged and the lovelorn)

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa:
All my pc's friends have plots and cool secrets, but they don't take me with them when they go out. No one tells me anything. Even my kank has more plot points than I do. How can I break in to the inner circle? I am not bored, but I might be boring! Can I be helped?
Love
Solitary Sandy from Storm

[Lizzie]

Dear Sandy-crotch:

Yes, you are boring. But you can turn "boring" into "mysterious" with a flick of your wrist. No one knows about you. They barely realize you exist. Use it to your advantage! This means they probably won't notice you while they're plotting interesting things at the bar. Listen to everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Once in awhile, let them know you're listening. Not often. Just once in awhile. Enough for them to think, "hm - she's listening to what we're talking about. I wonder why."

Find out where they hang out, and just show up from time to time. Sit at a table nearby, and when they say they're getting ready to leave, you leave first. Make them wonder why you show up when they're there, and leave when they leave.

Eventually, they will start noticing you. They'll notice you being not-noticeable. And then, they will start wondering who is this mysterious person who always seems to be listening, and paying attention, but only to us, not to anyone else...

and then poof! You're no longer boring. Now, you are a Sandy-crotch of mystery. And they will be drawn to you like sand is drawn to your crotch!

Yours in eternal helfulness,
Amosa's Unknown Sidekick.

[Nyr]

Dear Sandy,

Ambush one of your recalcitrant friends in their apartment and confront them about the issue of them leaving you out of the things they are doing.

Now, hear me out.  If you don't have access to their apartment, acquire access.  This may mean hiring someone to break in, or it may mean that you have to break in on your own.  Regardless, you may run the risk of being caught, so you will need to butter up your local templarate and soldierbase in advance (depending on the city, I recommend getting licensed for such activity).   Once you get inside, wait for them and let them know how much you care.

If they hear you out and agree, you're now involved.
If they hear you out and disagree, you've created your own plotting just to see if you could break into their circle--why do you need them anyway?  Go find a new circle of friends.  Heck, kill this one and cover it up, and pretend you know nothing about it, and deal with the turmoil of having killed a friend.  You've forced your way into that circle's life.  If they still refuse to get involved with you, repeat the process with another member of the circle of friends.  If you run out of friends because you've killed them all because they won't hang out with you, they were right not to hang out with you.  You're a damned murdering psychopath.  I hope you're happy.

Of course, if they move right ahead and try to kill you for breaking into their apartment, you try to kill 'em right back.

Yours,

Sneaky Spice

[James de Monet]

Dear Sandy,

There is no such thing as a "circle of friends" on Armageddon. Everyone who has good friends in Zalanthas is actually part of a gang, they just might not know it. If you want to break into the gang, show them that you would be useful. Don't just sit around waiting to be asked. Go out, gather some supplies for yourself. Or information. Or scalps. When they see what you could bring to the sekrit clubhouse, they will recruit you into the mid circle. When you prove you can do the same for them, you will be in. You could also develop a casual rapport with their enemies. It's like kohl. Suddenly, you look very different. And appealing. Of course, if all else fails...blood in, blood out.

Someone sincerely sends a response.

[ShaLeah]

Dear Sandy,

Love is never having to say you're sorry.
Friendship is never getting caught.
Armageddon is saying you're sorry when you're caught and living to tell another day.
Or dying on the way there.

Boring is watching from afar while everyone else gets Armageddoned. My advise?

Get some Sweet. Sweet fixes evvvvvvvvvveeeeeeerything.

See ya soon!

Luvmesum-da Kurac

[slvrmoontiger]

Dear Amosa:
All my pc's friends have plots and cool secrets, but they don't take me with them when they go out. No one tells me anything. Even my kank has more plot points than I do. How can I break in to the inner circle? I am not bored, but I might be boring! Can I be helped?
Love
Solitary Sandy from Storm

Dear Sandy,

Stop acting like a breed and find the inner human. If you act like a breed it will force people around. Quit whining and get a life of your own. Stop complaining to your friends about not being "in" the group and do something to get into the group. No one wants to be around a breed because of how they act. Learn to cope and act like the inner human.

[Jengal]

what is happening

[James de Monet]

what is happening

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_column

[Cind]

Dear Sandy,

There are many ways to create an interesting plot in a background that doesn't attract attention nor causes the Templar in the dead-quiet bar to stare at you thoughtfully for a few seconds during one emote before turning to the guy who just killed his aide. This is how I do it, and how I am, thus far, unable to not do it. I have wanted a perfectly normal, uninteresting person for a long time but I can't manage it somehow. Enough about my own sad problems.

Plots are created through conflict. Conflict becomes from something being wrong--- terribly, terribly wrong.

What's in your life that could go wrong? You, your family, your friends, vnpc and otherwise. What flavor of wrong do you want? Scary wrong? Disturbing-the-solidarity-of-the-pack wrong? Wrong wrong? Sexy wrong? Funny wrong? Here's a few ideas.

1. Some vnpc half-giant is determined, convinced you are their dead best friend, to capture you and take you to (terrible antichrist city) with him, to live together happily forever under His Blasphemically Specific Amount of Light. You can spend time running down the street, perhaps screaming and flailing your arms!)

2. You're kanking someone of any other race and emote their coming up to you in the bar and chatting idly, among other subtle things, and think and feel about them--- all the while trying to climb the social ladder.

3. You just found out your mom is a witch. You are a citizen of Tuluk. Think, feel, fear. Fear, fear, fear. Paranoia, overwhelming paranoia, have some nightmares!

4. Start pissing people off! Just nobodies at first. Be a douchebag. Then--- you start getting into trouble higher and higher on the social ladder. They should come for you around the time you start messing with master crafters and senior troopers. But, wait!---- they can't fucking find you! You've vanished like smoke--- to do the same damn thing somewhere else.

Hope we can give you some inspiration.

Don't die too quickly,

Cindy

[slvrmoontiger]

Dear Sandy,

There are many ways to create an interesting plot in a background that doesn't attract attention nor causes the Templar in the dead-quiet bar to stare at you thoughtfully for a few seconds during one emote before turning to the guy who just killed his aide. This is how I do it, and how I am, thus far, unable to not do it. I have wanted a perfectly normal, uninteresting person for a long time but I can't manage it somehow. Enough about my own sad problems.

Plots are created through conflict. Conflict becomes from something being wrong--- terribly, terribly wrong.

What's in your life that could go wrong? You, your family, your friends, vnpc and otherwise. What flavor of wrong do you want? Scary wrong? Disturbing-the-solidarity-of-the-pack wrong? Wrong wrong? Sexy wrong? Funny wrong? Here's a few ideas.

1. Some vnpc half-giant is determined, convinced you are their dead best friend, to capture you and take you to (terrible antichrist city) with him, to live together happily forever under His Blasphemically Specific Amount of Light. You can spend time running down the street, perhaps screaming and flailing your arms!)

2. You're kanking someone of any other race and emote their coming up to you in the bar and chatting idly, among other subtle things, and think and feel about them--- all the while trying to climb the social ladder.

3. You just found out your mom is a witch. You are a citizen of Tuluk. Think, feel, fear. Fear, fear, fear. Paranoia, overwhelming paranoia, have some nightmares!

4. Start pissing people off! Just nobodies at first. Be a douchebag. Then--- you start getting into trouble higher and higher on the social ladder. They should come for you around the time you start messing with master crafters and senior troopers. But, wait!---- they can't fucking find you! You've vanished like smoke--- to do the same damn thing somewhere else.

Hope we can give you some inspiration.

Don't die too quickly,

Cindy

Number 3 is too risky people my suspect you of being an abomination since you are the son/daughter of one.

[Cind]

Number 3 is too risky people my suspect you of being an abomination since you are the son/daughter of one.

If a night of greatness requires that I mindfuck everybody and leave them scrambling to kill me overly quickly, then I am willing to make that sacrifice.

However, Sandy, do take into account the risks of what you're doing and whether you are willing to take them.

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa:
The voices in my head have been unkind. Does it matter whether it is the way or auditory hallucinations?
Please help.

Sincerely,
Arena Bells

[lordcooper]

Y'all gonna get executed for writing.

[boog]

Dear Arena Bells,

In instances such as these, there are a few options to be had. You can smoke a lot of spice, drink a lot of liquor, or you can put your mind shield practice to use. There is no reason to continually suffer from hallucinations or voices over the Way that are demeaning, ugly, or mean. Surround yourself with things you like and relax. Cuddle with that swatch of Kadian cloth, or that intricate Kuraci pipe, or that sleek pair of boots you bought from a Salarri.





And then, particularly if none of the above works, plot the deaths of those stupid fuckin' voices to have your vengeance.

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa,
I need your help most urgently. It is my true and heartfelt ambition to be a marvel of fear and intimidation. I am thwarted. All my enmities die before I can kill them.
Your thoughts in this matter will be held most dear.
Yours in expectancy,
Clean Hands in The Labrynth

[Jherlen]

Dear Amosa,
I need your help most urgently. It is my true and heartfelt ambition to be a marvel of fear and intimidation. I am thwarted. All my enmities die before I can kill them.
Your thoughts in this matter will be held most dear.
Yours in expectancy,
Clean Hands in The Labrynth

Dear Clean Hands,

Why are you waiting? As soon as you make an enemy, shank them. What's a jail sentence here and there compared to the satisfaction of doing someone in yourself?

In fact, why wait for someone to be your enemy before you kill them? Just pick any old Amos and kill him, then decide if he was your enemy or not as his corpse is cooling off at your feet. Everyone will be much more afraid of you once they realize what a truly psycopathic killer you are.

Yours sincerely,
Amosa

[James de Monet]

Dear Clean Hands,

It sounds like you need better enemies.  If your nemeses are dead before you have a chance to make them rue the day, they were not worthy of the title, nor of your scorn.

Perhaps you would benefit from making enemies of established characters. Or, you could screen potential anatagonists for self-destructive tendencies before allowing yourself to be irritated by them.  There is also the option of doing whatever you damn well please, and make yourself an enemy of others rather than vice versa. Those that choose to be unworthy enemies will self-select for reduced plot durations.

Now go get those hands dirty!

[boog]

Clean Hands,

Just claim the deaths were somehow of your own manipulation. Instill fear.

Sincerely,
Momma Tek

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa:
I just don't know what to do! I gave that Byn Sergeant that last three hundred sid. I joined for the free food. But they elves and breeds keep touching my things and I don't like the stew. I'm a vegetarian.
Please send sid!
Yours,
Blue in the 'Byn

[valeria]

BIB:

Don't worry, in your desperate search for 'sid, you're going to decide that a contract is a good idea.  And then you're probably not going to survive it, so you won't die of starvation.  You also won't mind the breeds and neckers so much when you're a corpse.

Cheers!

Always Look On the Bright Side of Muk Utep

[Bogre]

Dear Blue in Byn,

Don't worry, that's not meat in the stew.

-Sewer Chunk Enthusiast

[Zoan]

Dear Amosa,

I'm playing a female PC but everyone in the entire world isn't trying to get into my pants. What am I doing wrong?

Yours,

Kalasiri.

[Barzalene]

Dear Kalasiri:

Have you made sure to :
Bat your eyes?
Include your breast in every emote?
Giggle?
Phrase every opinion in the form of a question?

I think if you do all of the above you'll find that things work out just fine.

Sincerely,
Amosa

[Narf]

Dear Amosa,

I'm playing a female PC but everyone in the entire world isn't trying to get into my pants. What am I doing wrong?

Yours,

Kalasiri.

Also: Are you wearing pants?

[Barsook]

And underwear?

[Zoan]

Everyone knows women don't wear pants.

[Delirium]

Women wear skirts, so it's easier to have a quickie.

[bcw81]

Women wear skirts, so it's easier to have a quickie.

Wrong. Women wear dresses so all they have to do is remove one item of clothing to be nekkit.

[Harmless]

Women wear skirts, so it's easier to have a quickie.

Wrong. Women wear dresses so all they have to do is remove one item of clothing to be nekkit.

You're both wrong. Women wear skirts and dresses so that they can quickly and easily disrobe for the purposes of having sex.

[Zoan]

Something something baby chute.

[Zoan]

GET BACK ON TOPIC.

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa:
I finally had to write. After years of carrying this shame I had to tell someone. I was born into a wealthy and famous family. I work in sales in an outpost. My secret shame is this - I don't like spice and I don't want to smoke it any more. What should I do?
Signed,
Lucid in Luirs.

[James de Monet]

Dear Amosa:
I finally had to write. After years of carrying this shame I had to tell someone. I was born into a wealthy and famous family. I work in sales in an outpost. My secret shame is this - I don't like spice and I don't want to smoke it any more. What should I do?
Signed,
Lucid in Luirs.

Dear Lucid,

Remember how you're rich enough to have furniture? Pack your dressed drawers with sachets of krentakh. Voila! You'll always smell like you were just blazing the family goods, without having to light up.

Or...tell everyone that you've gotten really into qel, the begin to touch them awkwardly. Rub your face on them. After a few days of this, everyone will be genuinely happy when you decide to "cut back".

Or...you know...snort it.

Signed,
Begladyouarne'taRedFangpariah

[Evoru]

Dear Lucid,

Your problem here is that you're clearly poor at pushing the product. If you sold it all, you wouldn't have any stock around to worry about smoking.

Complain to your friends that the merchandise moves so quickly you never get to smoke anymore. Let them feel bad for you and buy you gifts of spice.

Repackage the presents as new merchandise and sell it again.

Problem solved!

Signed,

Lady Whyhaven'tyoumetyourquota

[Heade]

Dear Sandy,

Ambush one of your recalcitrant friends in their apartment and confront them about the issue of them leaving you out of the things they are doing.

Now, hear me out.  If you don't have access to their apartment, acquire access.  This may mean hiring someone to break in, or it may mean that you have to break in on your own.  Regardless, you may run the risk of being caught, so you will need to butter up your local templarate and soldierbase in advance (depending on the city, I recommend getting licensed for such activity).   Once you get inside, wait for them and let them know how much you care.

If they hear you out and agree, you're now involved.
If they hear you out and disagree, you've created your own plotting just to see if you could break into their circle--why do you need them anyway?  Go find a new circle of friends.  Heck, kill this one and cover it up, and pretend you know nothing about it, and deal with the turmoil of having killed a friend.  You've forced your way into that circle's life.  If they still refuse to get involved with you, repeat the process with another member of the circle of friends.  If you run out of friends because you've killed them all because they won't hang out with you, they were right not to hang out with you.  You're a damned murdering psychopath.  I hope you're happy.

Of course, if they move right ahead and try to kill you for breaking into their apartment, you try to kill 'em right back.

Yours,

Sneaky Spice

Pretty sure this is the most entertaining post I've ever seen from Nyr.

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa,
Recently I set myself on the path to power and domination. Things are going well. The sid is rolling in. I set my mom up with an apartment with a balcony. I'm dressed to the nines and half my garments have hidden sheaths. What I'm saying is that business is good.

Here's the thing. My mates won't kiss me in the mouth any more. Are they jealous of my power? This is embarrassing, but can necromancy make your breath stink? Can a salt water gargle help?

In urgency,
Anonymous

[Norcal]

Dear Anonilzaimos,

I suggest killing your mates, and reanimating them, and ordering them to kiss you..pretty much wherever you want.  If that does not work, I would try the salt-water.

[shadeoux]

Dear Anonilzaimos,

I suggest killing your mates, and reanimating them, and ordering them to kiss you..pretty much wherever you want.  If that does not work, I would try the salt-water.

^^
This made me blow soda out my nose.

[Delirium]

Dear Amosa,
Recently I set myself on the path to power and domination. Things are going well. The sid is rolling in. I set my mom up with an apartment with a balcony. I'm dressed to the nines and half my garments have hidden sheaths. What I'm saying is that business is good.

Here's the thing. My mates won't kiss me in the mouth any more. Are they jealous of my power? This is embarrassing, but can necromancy make your breath stink? Can a salt water gargle help?

In urgency,
Anonymous

Get rid of your mates (I suggest using them for an experiment of some sort - no reason to waste a good corpse). Trust me, if you think it's bad now, just wait until you start craving well-rotted meat and the aroma of the grave becomes your favorite perfume. It's only going to get worse - they simply won't be able to understand how wonderful these things are.

Replace with a mate whose own ruthless or sociopathic nature allows them to sacrifice everything and become pseudo-undead - you don't want to go full undead as they'll inevitably begin to rot, and that causes problems in the sack. Voila! They will be able to appreciate your new sensibilities and may even thoughtfully serve you moldy erdlu eggs for breakfast.

[AdamBlue]

Dear Amosa
Oh my god, oh my fucking god, we are writing words on a piece of actual paper? This is amazing! Why don't we all learn how to write, it would make things so much easier. Letters, parchments, keeping track of orders, wow, this is so neat, I am so glad my noble friend showed me this stuff. Though, I have not seen them for a few days, and I heard they got into trouble, so hopefully they will be


[THE REST OF THE LETTER IS SPLATTERED IN BLOOD]

[Barzalene]

Dear Amosa:
Sometimes I sit alone in taverns no one talks to me. Even the vnpc elves won't rob me. Is it because I smell of sweat and dust? Is it because I forgot to vote?
Signed,
Stinky

[Reiloth]

Dear Amosa:
Sometimes I sit alone in taverns no one talks to me. Even the vnpc elves won't rob me. Is it because I smell of sweat and dust? Is it because I forgot to vote?
Signed,
Stinky

Stinky --

A vote for the Sanders Lord is a vote for Trumptolnes. It's likely you should become a part of the #CommonersLivesMatter movement in order to gain politically correct mojo. The elves will surely rob you then.

-Bill "Black Robe" Clintontolnes Jr

[Miradus]

An old thread about necromancy got necro'd.

If we can figure out a way to get necromancy into it again now, we're into fractal necromancy.

[Chettaman]

Dear Amosa,

Sometimes I have no idea how to live according to standards ICly and/or OOCly.
Sometimes I think I'm wrong about everything, or that I'm actually insane. ICly and/or OOCly.
But then I notice so many patterns or just things that prove that I'm right about all those things. But what if it's just my insane brain somehow lying to myself...?
Sometimes I think I should stop being myself and be like everyone else ICly and/or OOCly.

After so much experience with these thoughts, I decided it would be safer if I "reclused" more and affected the world only slightly if at all. This way I could still be myself, have no qualms and I wouldn't compare myself to everyone else after being so very annoyed by them.

Do you ever feel like this? What do you do?

- Piercing the Heavens for as long as possible,
Ranger Riding Bare Back

[Barzalene]

Ranger,
I don't know what ickly or ookcly mean, but if you lock yourself away and talk funny, someone is bound to call you a witch and then it all goes south.
My advice is to go to a bar, get drunk and buy some whores. That fixes most problems, except for sand fleas and crotch rot.
Good luck with that,
Amosa