Fecked a Fruit -- by Taven

[Nyr]

By popular demand:

http://www.armageddon.org/original/search/fecked%20a%20fruit

Forewarning:  this is lewd and crude.  It's also too long to copy and paste here.

[LauraMars]

This is FAMOUS.  Seven years later and I still remember everyone's name in this scene.  I love this because it was the embodiment of what I'm constantly searching for in this game like an addict looking for a hit - the congregation of multiple people to make something happen that you remember forever.  It wasn't just one person making this scene - it was everyone.  Armageddon stories and characters stick with you.  Thanks for submitting this log, Taven.


Since the log is too long to post, I'll paste some of my favorite parts.

HIGHLIGHTS:


There's definitely spoilers here, so if you haven't read the whole log yet, go do that first!

Addressing his fleshy blue fruit with a dour, coarse voice, the gaunt, grungy-bearded man says, in sirihish:
     "Fifty sid?  You gotta be smokin' some've that bad shit, y'nasty fuckin wench.  Twenty 'sid or I'm takin' this cock further on down the road."

At your table, the furrowed, stubbled man says in sirihish:
     "Cactus get all the ladies with that line I bet."

At your table, the rugged, dusk-toned man says in sirihish, shaking his head:
     "WAIT! Cactus is gonna fuck th'fruit."

Figures a fella named Cactus would have sexual congress with a plant.

At your table, the pale-eyed, blond-braided woman says in sirihish:
     "I think I'm about ta be scarred fer life."

That makes all of us, Nae.

The gaunt, grungy-bearded man says, out of character:
     "Consent needed."

Yeah, that happened.

The rugged, stubble-bearded templar pauses in the entryway, trying to make sense of the scene.

So did that.

Moaning down at his fleshy blue fruit, the gaunt, grungy-bearded man says, in sirihish:
     "Aw baby, mmm.... fuckin'.... yeahhhhhh.... you're almost as good as that kalan I had last week.. Ohhh.. ughh..."

And so did that.

People's reactions to Cactus were almost as funny as the main event:

Between laughs, the rugged, dusk-toned man exclaims to the gaunt, grungy-bearded man, in sirihish:
     "Talk dirty to it!"

Laughing helplessly, the willowy, grey-streaked man says, in sirihish:
     "Oh... shit... he should've at least bought it dinner first..."

Gasping, the vibrant, jade-adorned brunette says, in sirihish:
     "Hope she took mul mix, I do -not- want to see the product of this union."

The willowy, grey-streaked man screams out his laughter, nearly dropping the vibrant, jade-adorned brunette from his lap as he rocks back and forth in his chair.

The pale-eyed, blond-braided woman gives in, just resting her arms against the tabletop, laughing and crying as she watches in helpless fascination.

The gaunt, grungy-bearded man suddenly turns, noticing the rugged, stubble-bearded templar and paling.

Cactus roleplayed not noticing Samos until he was, uh...finished.  Nice touch.  The willingness to appear foolish for the sake of the story is a sign of a great roleplayer.  It made perfect sense, too - he had other things on his mind.

Staring over in awe, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar asks the tall, amber-eyed woman, in sirihish:
     ".. 's anyone ever done anythin' more ridiculous 'n this in yer bar?"

Gravely pouring herself a drink, the tall, amber-eyed woman says to the rugged, stubble-bearded templar, in sirihish:
     "Not for a good many years, Lord Templar."

Even a staff member was watching (and probably laughing).

Bellowing out, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar shouts, in sirihish:
     "FIRST UNIT, AT ATTENTION."

All the soldiers followed orders and hupped to with a quickness, despite half of them being drunk and all of them recovering from splitting sides.

The vibrant, jade-adorned brunette sings, in sirihish:
     "He's a veteran of many years, as you will quickly tell,
      When he kicks the enemy's ass up one side, then back down into hell!"

Some great marching rhymes from Laila.  By the way, her sdesc (the vibrant, jade-adorned brunette) is still one of my favorite sdescs ever.

Gruffly, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar says, in sirihish:
     "On yer knees! Both 'f you! Take them patches off and toss 'em down in front of ya."
 
Looking back up the line, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar says, in sirihish:
     "And the rest of you, you all ought t' KNOW better. I really thought y'would. Fuck sake, I want ALL 'f you down."

Samos liked to fake out his soldiers and haze them a bit before promoting them.  I was never a soldier in the AoD, but I imagine it was a lot of fun for the players.  I can never manage to pull this off with my leaders like he could.

Pointing over at him, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar says to the gaunt, grungy-bearded man, in sirihish:
     "And YOU. You are the craziest fuckin' person in this barracks, and that's sayin' a LOT."

Kind of sums the whole thing up, doesn't it?

I think the people in this log should come forward (if they still play) and talk about their characters and do AMAs.

[Mood]

Horus was the greatest character I ever played.

The rugged, dusk-toned man asks the gaunt, grungy-bearded man, in sirihish:
     "How're y'gonna do it?"
 
The gaunt, grungy-bearded man says to the vibrant, jade-adorned brunette, in sirihish:
     "Like a savage fuckin beast, sir."

The gaunt, grungy-bearded man asks the rugged, dusk-toned man, in sirihish:
     "What, don't ya'll Kuraci ever fuck in the ass?"

[slvrmoontiger]

This sort of things would have never happened in Tuluk...

Having said this it was great. Cracked me up. I would have been laughing like crazy had I been part of this group. Its nice to see someone with the balls to do something that could have ended very badly with a templar there and all.

[ale six]

This was definitely one of my most memorable moments playing Samos (and there were a lot!)

Arm of the Dragon was just facemelting awesome in 2007-2008. From the bottom of the food chain to the top, we were all having fun, I'm pretty sure.

I forget if Samos got a Way from someone or if I just had shown up by accident, but when Samos just walks in and stands there, I'm pretty sure it was because I was at first just trying to make sense of what was happening, then breaking into giggles, then finally seeing how long the PCs would take to notice me. I'm glad I didn't pounce on the scene right away, as we might not have had a log to be discussing right now!

The rugged, stubble-bearded templar asks, in sirihish:
     "Y'all remind me of my old unit, them farmboys out 'n MENOS. Y'know what th' only difference I can see right now is?"
 

The vibrant, jade-adorned brunette shakes her head very slightly.
 

Tonelessly, the burn-scarred, curly-haired man says, in sirihish:
     "No Lord Templar."
 

Finally busting out into laughter, the rugged, stubble-bearded templar says, in sirihish:
     "Those fuckers woulda TOLD me afore they got their 'cruits t' do shit that funny."

One of my favorite things to do as a templar was to scare the piss out of soldiers right before I promoted them. Most never saw it coming, although Paryl and Laila and some others were around long enough to sort of pick up on the joke.

This sort of things would have never happened in Tuluk...

Probably not! And it wouldn't have been tolerated under plenty of other templars in Allanak either, for that matter.

I think the people in this log should come forward (if they still play) and talk about their characters and do AMAs.

Well sure. I played Samos Rennik, AMA!

[RogueGunslinger]

General stats would be cool. How many game-days played did you make it? How many HRPT's were you a part of?

What were the early days of Samos like? Was he ever a bumbling noob Templar? 

I always wondered how satisfying it is to throw someone into the Bug Pitt of Death, how many times did you get to do that?

Any times Samos came close to death?

[Cale_Knight]

I played Paryl. AMA?

[ale six]

General stats would be cool. How many game-days played did you make it? How many HRPT's were you a part of?

To my lasting regret, I didn't keep many logs from that time period so I'm not sure what the my exact number of days played was. But it was definitely over 100!  I want to say about 110 days played?  It seems unbelievable, but none of the RPTs Samos took part in (or led) were HRPTs.  That said, there were several memorable RPTs I can think of - the gith invasion of Allanak, the north/south peace talks in Luirs, and the subsequent tablelands campaign against the gith spring immediately to mind.

What were the early days of Samos like? Was he ever a bumbling noob Templar?

In the beginning, Samos was more of a hick cop from the boonies than an inspiring war hero.  He taxed everyone he met (usually just 20-30 coins) for the most insignificant things.  Talkin' stupid (rinthis and foreigners), short tax (dwarves), breathin' funny (anybody).  He once taxed Rokov Kurac for being Rokov Kurac, and took his hat.

OOCly, I was sort of a nooblar at first, too. I have a log from fairly early on of me arresting and interrogating somebody because his mdesc vaguely matched the features of a Big Bad Guy I'd been warned to look out for. I drug this poor rinther into a cell and started interrogating him about all these super secret arcane topics, but wasn't getting the answers I wanted, and it felt like the PC was mocking Samos with his denials. So finally, Samos killed him.... and the guy newbie repopped. Instead of torturing a big bad nilazi demon person, I'd been interrogating an hour old PC. Whoops. 

I always wondered how satisfying it is to throw someone into the Bug Pitt of Death, how many times did you get to do that?

I have no idea how many people Samos chucked into the bug pit - it wasn't a small number, but it wasn't big either.  I'd say the circumstances dictated how satisfying a death was.  Sometimes it sucked.  Once, Samos discovered a treacherous recruit in the ranks and had to chuck him into the pit in front of the whole unit - that was a dramatic day for everyone, especially poor brytta's character.  Hey, weren't you that guy?

Samos usually reserved the bug pit for people that had really, really offended him or someone important, or who just weren't displaying any sort of fear or respect for authority at all. Most of the time I liked to execute people in the Arena if I could, because it's at least a more exciting death.

Any times Samos came close to death?

Yeah - Samos had several one-on-one battles with various sorcerers and other vile dudes over the course of his life, and these were always harrowing.  During the gith campaigns, he took multiple arrows to the neck, head, and body and got pretty close to death.  This was when Samos became one-eyed. I figured a headshot that took off 50hp was worth losing an eye over.

One stupid incident (on my part) involved Samos accidentally landing himself in the middle of a pack of vicious wild animals, which promptly ripped him to shreds.  I'd just stepped out of the barracks, told the soldiers I had to go "take care of something", and left...only to return 3 minutes later, bleeding severely. Pretty sure that was one of the dumbest things I ever did.

Another time I led a war party of soldiers and gemmed mages out of the city because I'd had a tip that a bunch of (PC) baddies were going to be attacking. Our group ran headlong into theirs, and it erupted into the biggest PvP combat I can recall ever seeing that wasn't part of a planned RPT. Samos' forces won (because Highlord, duh), but he came very, very close to dying. I guess that's to be expected when about six people all type "kill templar" at once.

[Zoan]

Day 1 of my first long-lived character: sitting in the bar. This lunatic one-eyed bastard walks in and drags me out the door with him.

The rest is a blur, but I think I was in a fight. Some dwarf raider died.

Said lunatic decides he likes me so much he recruits me into the Arm.

[TheWanderer]

I'd love to get some logs from the fruit. 

[RogueGunslinger]

I played Paryl. AMA?

How long did it take to become Lieutenant?

Got your days played? Know how many PK's he had, bitches love dem PK's.

What was your most memorable moment?

[Cale_Knight]

How long did it take to become Lieutenant?
Got your days played? Know how many PK's he had, bitches love dem PK's.

I have no idea about any kinds of numbers. I'm fairly sure I was over 100 days played. I don't remember how long it took to become Lieutenant. A long time, but also not very long. And the promotion from Sergeant to Lieutenant was fairly cosmetic anyhow, in the grand scheme of things. Had a way cooler cloak, though.

As for PKs... I had a lot of them. I definitely didn't keep track of how many. Certainly in the dozens, and that was with often going out of my way to not have to kill PCs.

What was your most memorable moment?

That's a hard one. The steel shield, partying with Muk, all the awesome moments in the Copper War, the general ridiculous awesomeness of the AoD crew at the time... lots of amazing moments in my time as Paryl. For sheer "grinning like a fucking idiot" moments, showing up at the Tuluki party in full-on AoD militia gear probably took the cake.

[Fujikoma]

The whole scene had me laughing, but the part I liked best is where the Templar broke his composure behind closed doors and laughed about it. I was seriously worried for the PC who'd had the courage to do something like that to a fruit in a crowded bar, while the player had the courage to finish up the scene without noticing the Templar.

[PriestlySiren]

Ridiculous. I wish that my stint in the AOD had anything half that memorable. Sigh.

[TheWanderer]

Should've gone and tried to do something memorable, then. 

[PriestlySiren]

Should've gone and tried to do something memorable, then. 

Staff wouldn't let me. 

[Barzalene]

My AOD PC  was pretty disappointing. Failed to kill my Templar or convince anyone else to do it. Died In the aexhibition exhibirion. It was a rather silly spectacle.

Not a log worthy pc, but I enjoyed him.

[RogueGunslinger]

Should've gone and tried to do something memorable, then. 

Staff wouldn't let me. 

I'm sure they would have been perfectly fine with your fucking a fruit. You don't need staff to be memorable.

[ShaLeah]

You don't need staff to be memorable.

Perfection.

[solera]

This thread still makes me lol repeatedly. I think I'll archive it for bad days.

[bcw81]

Should've gone and tried to do something memorable, then. 

Staff wouldn't let me. 

I'm sure they would have been perfectly fine with your fucking a fruit. You don't need staff to be memorable.

That fruit couldn't consent. This log is deplorable.

[Fujikoma]

I consent for the fruit, and bend over, too.

[Is Friday]

Man my character Sandy was so bad. Laila recruited her out of pity I think because I was obviously a noob. She was from Luir's lol. Got kicked out in a bit less than a year for breaking rules. Banished and stripped at Meleth's, somehow survived a trip to Tuluk, became Thrend Lyksae's slave, then saw Laila again when Muk appeared at that party in Tuluk. Learned so much from that group. AoD golden age.

I remember hearing this tale bein retold IG many times.  I can't remember why Sandy stepped out during this.

[Gimfalisette]

I think I'm honored and touched we're all still talking about this stuff.

I played Laila.

I decided to play Laila because my rinth rat character met Samos in his first couple of weeks on the job as a templar, and when my rinthi got offed due to a totally awesome plot, I made a character specifically to be Samos' aide. Yep, Laila just marched right up to him and said "I'm gonna be your aide." And he was like, "Uh, OK." And that was that, pretty much.

It was very atypical for a specific soldier to be aide to a templar, however, Laila started as aide first and then became a soldier. She was warrior guild because the stereotype of "aide" was that they were silky, delicate, and etc. And I wanted to play against the stereotype, so Laila was tough and competent. She was an aide who could also protect her boss.

I think what made the AOD so awesome at the time was a few things:

1. So long as we pretty much followed the rules, our leadership (mostly Samos) wasn't concerned about us being proper or adhering to behavioral standards. So there was room for all types; we had delicate PCs and naive PCs and really rough and disturbing types, too. And the interaction between all the soldiers tended toward the dramatic.

2. There was a deep OOC understanding by all the leaders (Samos, Paryl, me) that we couldn't stomp on or control RP across the city. Rinthis need to do their thing, thieves need to steal, magickers gotta play, and so forth. We were extremely careful not to PK unless necessary, and also not to unduly punish. Even though it might be IC to be a complete hardass all the time, it's not OOCly fun for the city. The AOD and templars can easily put a city in lockdown and that just sucks unless it's part of a bigger plot.

3. There was a ton of world-level plot stuff going on. I've written before about the levels of plot involvement required for maximum fun; IMO you have to have minimally regional or world-level plots happening or stuff will be too routine and boring. We were playing within a context of larger plot.

4. So many weird characters. Just so many around Allanak at that time, and they lived so long. Khortoc and Midge were constants on the scene too, as well as many others. I can't remember all the names right this moment, but the whole scene was vibrant. Some of the names are above and were played by previous posters!

5. Within the AOD we worked really hard as leaders to make sure there was fun stuff for underlings to do. A clan can't just be about routine training sessions. It shouldn't even mostly be about sparring, but to be honest that's what most of my other clan involvement has been. It's why usually people prefer to play free-ranging hunter types in merchant clans to playing soldiers. Of course, playing a really involving leader is difficult, however, it can be done.

6. Add on to "let people do their thing," we also all tried to just get involved in various ways with the other factions in the city. Magickers were still magickers, but we got involved with them, rinthis the same, etc.

That's mostly how I see it. Plots, let people do their thing, find ways to make it fun. BOOM.

[Barzalene]

Come back Gimf. Come back.