Jokes

[Ammut]

I can't seem to find any topics devoted to the jokes of Zalanthas (IC) -- anyone got some good ones for those of us that can't think of any? 

[FantasyWriter]

An IMM animated a C-elf once and told me a really corny one once... umm...

Why do D-elves make the worse lovers?
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Because of all the sand they get in their cunts.

yeah... from an IMM animated NPC, lol.

[BlackMagic0]

I can't seem to find any topics devoted to the jokes of Zalanthas (IC) -- anyone got some good ones for those of us that can't think of any? 

They are not entirely good, and I don't know how many people would use them ICly. But this is a list of jokes that my friend gave me when I first starting playing this game, and he gave me his Gmud32 and such.

Zalanthan Racist Jokes

Why do decent folks stop at an elves display in the bazaar?
To get all their stuff back.

What do you get when you cross an elf with a Northerner?
Nothing. There are some things even a Northerner won't do.

What do you call 50 dead elves in an alley?
A good start

What's the difference between shit in a bag and an elf?
The bag

How do you start a foot race in the Labyrinth?
Roll a bun down the alley.

What's an elf's idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch!"

What did the Arm Sargeant call the elf with fifteen arrows stuck through his back?
Worst suicide he'd ever seen.



Zalanthan Crude Sex Jokes

A worker is helping to add on to Tek's tower. He's on the very top, and he needs a saw to do some cutting. There's none up there, and instead of going all the way down he decides to yell to a guy on the ground. The guy can't hear him, so he tries to make some hand gestures to get his point across.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"



A Trooper's  trying to explain to some dumb Runners what the word 'Definitely' means. After explaining it, he says he wants them all to use it once, so he knows that they understand what it means.
So, one Bynner says, "The sky's definitely red."
"Well, no." replies our man. "When Krath goes down, it's black, so that ain't all right."
"Okay," says another. "A Bynner's cloak is definately brown!"
"That ain't right either, cause when you get promoted to Lieutenant, they give you a black one. Anyone else wanna try?"
One runner rises to the challenge, and he says "Does a fart have lumps?"
"I don't see what that's got to do with the question, but no they don't!"
"Well, then I –definitely- shit my pants!"



A couple wake up one morning, and the woman says "I had a dream last night that I was in the bazaar, and they were selling dicks. Big ones went for ten, and thick ones went for twenty."
"How much did one like mine go for?" asks the man.
"Well, they were just giving those away," she replies.
"Yeah?" says the guy. "I had a dream too. I dreamt they were selling vaginas. Pretty ones went of a hundred, and tight young ones went for 200."
"Yeah," says the wife? "Well, how much would mine go for?"
"Where you think they were sellin' um?"



A woman's drunk in the bar one night, and she stands up and proclaims that she's looking for a man, but he's gotta meet three qualifications. He won't beat her, he won't run away, and he's good in bed.
She talked to dozens of guys that night, but the right one knocked on her door the next morning.
He said "Hi, my name's scrab bait. I got no arms, so I won't beat ya. I got no legs, so I won't run away."
"What makes you good in bed?"
"Well, I knocked on your door, didn't I?"



A depressed young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life one night. She climbed up on top of the Gaj, and was gonna dive off, head first, when a handsome, dun-clad young cadet stopped her. Taking pity on her, he said "Look, you got a lot to live for. I'm with house Kurac, and we're heading off to Tuluk in the morning. Why don't I stow you on our wagon, and I'll bring you food each day. I'll keep you happy, and you keep me happy."
She had nothing to loose, and she agreed. So, he hid her on board behind some crates and every night he'd show up with three loaves of bread, and fuck her till morning.
One day, weeks later, the sargeant was doing a routine search of the wagon, when he found her. "What you doin' here?" He asked. "I made an arangement with a cadet. He's taking me to Tuluk, and he's fecking me."
"He sure is," replied the Sarge. "We've been parked in Allanak for about a month now!"







I know... Terrible, and most probably could not be used ICly. But I wanted to share them... 

[The7DeadlyVenomz]

Hehehe.

S'good shit, there, actually.

[BlackMagic0]

Hehehe.

S'good shit, there, actually.

Sarcasm+Text = Does not work. 

[The7DeadlyVenomz]

...what?

I was saying that I liked them.

[FantasyWriter]

Hilarious BMO. Makes me feel bad that I even posted.

[BlackMagic0]

...what?

I was saying that I liked them.

No, I was saying that my sarcasm did not work. I was joking when I said I think they were terrible. Specially that Byn one, makes me laugh every time.

EDIT TO ADD:

I'd like to see more jokes... If anyone has any? Come on guys, and share those sekrit gold jokes your all hiding away.

[The7DeadlyVenomz]

Ah hah! Yeh, they are really good.

[Maso]

They made me lol.

Good one BM. MORE!!

[FiveDisgruntledMonkeysWit]

A man and his young son are walking through the bazaar. The man decides to give his son a coin to go and buy a slice of fruit. The father turns his back for one second, and suddenly he hears his son choking and gagging. His idiot son swallowed the coin!
"Is anyone here a healer!?" the man shouts out, in a panic.
Quick as can be, a well-dressed woman parts the crowd and approaches the man's son, who is quickly turning blue. With a flourish, the woman reaches out, grabs hold of the child's newly-descended testicles, and gives them a rough squeeze. The child coughs and wheezes, then immediately spits out the coin. The woman deftly catches the coin, then turns to re-enter the crowd as if nothing has happened.
The father, stunned, barely manages to croak out, "How in Krath's name did you do that? Are you some kind of magicker?"
The woman paused, turned around, and said with a wink, "Nah. I'm a Nenyuki."

[FiveDisgruntledMonkeysWit]

Oh... and then there's the classic: "Two elves walked into a bar, and then a dwarf walked under it."

[IAmJacksOpinion]

  Last time I share my precious Zalanthan joke document..

Basically all I did was look through a joke site and see what I could Zalanthanize. The thing is, most of them are too inappropriate to document on the website, seeing as "elf jokes" are always jokes from a different RL racial catagory...

[The7DeadlyVenomz]

Ehhh.

I suppose to be politically correct, that's a good policy, if that is the Staff's stance, but frankly, I don't see the problem with taking something negative and turning it into someting positive. And that is what you're doing, I think, when you turn out good jokes like these are.

[Nyr]

There happen to have been storytelling events IC in which most of the stories were actually longwinded jokes.

[Gimfalisette]

For your enjoyment: The "Amos and Malik" jokes. I have told these in game, mostly in the north, but they could be used anywhere. They're based on the Scandinavian-American tradition of "Sven and Ole" jokes, which are about two really dumb, average guys.

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So Amos and his best friend, Malik, were hired to work for the city. Shovels in hand, Amos would dig a hole--furiously, dig, dig, dig. Then Malik would come along behind and -fill- the hole with equal speed and vigor.

A man happened to be going down the street past them, he was impressed with the intensity of their work, but quite confused--he couldn't understand what they were doing, and finally he felt compelled to ask them. So the man approached Amos and said, "Hey there, citizen, I appreciate how hard you're working, but what the Drov are you doing? You're digging a hole and your friend here comes right behind you and fills it up again."

And Amos looks up at the man from his work, wiping sweat from his brow with a grin, and replies, "Oh yeah, it must look kinda funny, but Jak, the guy who plants the trees, is sick today."

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So Amos and Malik heard about a bounty put out in the city on gortok--there was going to be five small paid out for every live one brought in. They got their gear together, went out to the scrublands, and hunted up and down, up and down all over for gortok, but didn't find any.

That night, they made a small campfire and laid down, quickly falling asleep after their hard day. In the middle of the night, Amos woke up and saw they were surrounded by fifty very large, hungry gortok. So Amos leans over to the still-sleeping Malik, shakes his shoulder, and says, "Malik, wake up! We're rich!"

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So Amos and his mate, Talia, are walking down a dirt path when suddenly and surprisingly they come upon a human head lying along the side of the path. Talia picks it up, holds it in the air, looks at it, and says to Amos, "Hey, that looks like Malik?" Amos just shrugs, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, couldn't be, he wasn't that tall."

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So Amos and his woman, Talia, are going to shack up together. Amos is very excited about this, but a bit worried as well, since he and Talia haven't--well, you know--yet.

Amos goes to his best friend Malik to ask some advice, what he's supposed to do when he and Talia move in together and all that. Malik replies, "Amos, it's very simple. You just get in bed, rub her stomach, and tell her you love her." Hearing this, Amos feels much more confident.

A few days later, Amos and Talia move in together in a nice little apartment, and as soon as possible they go to the bed and get in. Amos does just as Malik told him, rubbing Talia's stomach and saying, "I love you, Talia, I love you."

Talia smiles at Amos and says, "Lower, Amos, lower."

So, deepening his voice as much as possible, Amos says, "I love you, Talia, I love you."

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So Amos decides to try some different work for a change, and hits on the idea of raising baby erdlus for meat. He goes down to the stables and buys ten baby erdlu.

Three days later he comes back to the stables and asks for another ten erdlu. The stablehand, curious, asks what happened to the first bunch. "They died," Amos replies tersely. But these things happen, so the man sold Amos another ten baby erdlu.

Four days later, Amos comes back and asks for -another- ten baby erdlu. Upon finding out that the second set had died as well, the stablehand says, "Well, maybe you just don't have luck with erdlu. What's going wrong?" Amos replies, shrugging, "I dunno, I think I'm either planting them too far apart, or too deep."

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So Amos and Malik are down at the Tembo's Tooth having a drink, and after a couple hours, Amos comes over to Malik, leans on the bar next to him and says, "Hey Malik, this ain't no fun. How come the women aren't friendly to me?" And Malik shrugs, replying, "I dunno, Amos, but maybe if you put a ginka fruit down in your pants, that would help."

So Amos does that, but in another hour or so he comes back to Malik, and he says, "I tried what you told me with the ginka fruit, but it doesn't help." Malik shakes his head and says, "No, Amos, you're supposed to put the ginka fruit in the -front-."

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So Malik says, "Hey Amos, you might want to put up some curtains on the windows at your place. Last night I kinda saw you and Talia going to town." Amos replies, "Haha, Malik, the joke's on you! I wasn't even -home- last night!"

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So Amos comes home early from work one day, and he finds Talia sitting in their bedroom with no clothes on. "Whatcha doing?" he asks her.

Talia, shrugging, replies, "I just didn't have anything to wear."

"Whadda you mean, you have nothing to wear?" Amos asks, stepping over to the wardrobe and peering in. "Look right here, you got red dress, green dress, blue dress, Malik, yellow dress..."

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So Amos and Talia lived in this old, breaking-down apartment. One night Amos came home and Talia noticed that the door squeaked when he opened it, so she asked him to fix it. Amos huffed, "Whadda I look like, a damned woodworker?"

The next day Talia was cooking something up and her favorite knife broke, and she asked Amos to fix it. "Whadda I look like, a damned weaponsmith?" Amos snorted.

The day after that, Talia found that her shield had gotten cracked, and she asked Amos to fix it. "Whadda I look like, a damned armorsmith?" Amos guffawed.

About a week later, Amos noticed that everything had been fixed, so he asked Talia who fixed it all. Coyly, Talia replied, "Oh, I had Malik come over and fix all them things for me."

To which Amos replied, "Oh yeah? Well, how much did he charge ya for all that work?"

Smiling widely, Talia replied, "Oh, he just said he wanted a big cake or a little sex."

"So what kinda cake you make him, then?" Amos asked.

With a twinkle in her eye, Talia replied, "Amos, whadda I look like, a damned baker?"

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So Amos and Malik heard they could make a lot of coin if they learned how to drive a wagon on caravans. They went to a merchant and asked about a job driving.

The merchant asked Amos, "Well, how much experience do you have driving wagons?"

Amos replied, "We don't got no experience right now, but by the end-a the month, we'll have lots, yeah?"

The merchant, chuckling, answered, "Sure, but before we give you the job, I have to at least be sure you're suited for this type of work. After all, we stand to lose a lot of coin if you should run off the road and have an accident."

Amos answered, nodding, "Oh yeah, I c'n sure appreciate that."

The merchant says, "Alright then, Amos, I'm gonna ask you a hypothetical question. Picture this, you've got a full load coming back from Red Storm, and you've been driving all night. You're coming up on the Shield Wall, and your friend Malik here is sleeping on the bench next to you. Suddenly as you're starting to make the descent down the Wall, one of your beasts pulls to the side and the wagon starts wobbling, you manage to get it back in control but now you're going too fast and picking up speed. There's a turn coming up. What do you do?"

After thinking for a few moments, Amos replied, "I think I would wake up Malik, he's never seen a real bad crash before."

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So Amos and Malik were in the bottom of a hole, digging up clay, while Jak stood at the top and hauled up the full baskets. Amos and Malik got to discussing why Jak got to do the easy part, while they did all the hard work.

"I'm going to find out!" Amos declared as he climbed out of the hole. He went right up to Jak and said, "Why are we doin' all the hard work while you just stand up here haulin' up dirt?"

Jak shrugged and replied, "That's because I'm smarter than you."

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" challenged Amos.

So Jak held his hand up in front of a tree and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can." Amos wound up and swung. Just before making contact, Jak quickly pulled his hand away and Amos slammed his fist into the tree. Amos, cringing over his hurting hand, nodded and said, "Yeah, I guess you are smarter than us." and went back down in the hole.

Malik asked Amos, "So you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"

"Yeah," said Amos, "but now I'm smarter than you."

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" challenged Malik.

So Amos held up his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

[AmandaGreathouse]

OOh, thanks Gimf. Loved the one where Talia asks if she looks like a damned baker, and the last one too. 

[jcljules]

I love the first joke on Gimfs list, as well as the Teks tower joke. 

[FiveDisgruntledMonkeysWit]

So Amos and Malik heard about a bounty put out in the city on gortok--there was going to be five small paid out for every live one brought in. They got their gear together, went out to the scrublands, and hunted up and down, up and down all over for gortok, but didn't find any.

That night, they made a small campfire and laid down, quickly falling asleep after their hard day. In the middle of the night, Amos woke up and saw they were surrounded by fifty very large, hungry gortok. So Amos leans over to the still-sleeping Malik, shakes his shoulder, and says, "Malik, wake up! We're rich!"

This one's my favorite out of the entire thread, because I'm pretty sure something like this must've actually happened to somebody, in-game.

[Gimfalisette]

I kind of tried to tailor the jokes, when I re-wrote them, to refer to things we ALL know have happened in game, like wagons going off the Shield Wall and etc.

Actually the one I find most funny that way is the one about the head. Because it's kind of an ARM in-joke; I imagine Malik's sdesc as being "the tall, lanky man" or something, and here is "the head of the tall, lanky man"...and Amos says he wasn't that tall

[Ammut]

What does an elf do after his friends leave his apartment?
He checks for loose 'sid.

How do you get an elf into a jail cell?
Throw a 'sid in it.

[IAmJacksOpinion]

What I meant is that the elf jokes should probably never be documented on arm.org, or anyplace else they would be officially affiliated with Armageddon. But whatever,

Amos and Malik are sitting at the bar, and Amos is telling Malik about his date with Talia last weekend.

"She got a brand new inix and we were riding it out into the Grey Forest. She stopped it in a clearing, and got off. She took off all her cloths, threw them on the ground and told me I could have anything I wanted... So I took the inix."

"You're a smart man Amos," says Malik, "those clothes never would've fit ya!"


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Two fals save up their sids and decide to move up to Tuluk together. When they get there, they both chip in for an apartment and immediately go around town looking for work. One finds work with a small, idependant logging company. He wakes up the next moring to find that his lover is not in bed with him. He walks out into the kitchen to find the other turd burglar jerking off into a cup.

"What are you doing!?" He demands?

"Well, since you're going off to work today, the least I could do is pack your lunch!"


Got another good one, but I have to go to work now. Will post more later.

[Clearsighted]

What does an elf do after his friends leave his apartment?
He checks for loose 'sid.

How do you get an elf into a jail cell?
Throw a 'sid in it.

I guess we should have a new category for all 'nekker' jokes.

Nekker = favorite racial slur ever.

[Preacher]

Malik was sitting in the Gaj, having as quiet a drink as it is possible to have there, when in stumbled Amos, holding a big handful of hot, fresh, steaming inix shit.  "Hey Malik," he said, "Look what I almost stepped in!"


Amos was hanging out a window, working on something, when there was a knock at the door.  Talia, watching from inside, gets up to answer it and finds Malik there.  Malik looks Talia up and down and says "Krath but you are sexy.  I'll give ya five small if you take off your top."  Talia blinks, startled, but realizes that five small is five small.  She quickly whips off her tunic and waggles her breasts at Malik, who just stands there, staring at her.  After a few moments, Talia puts her tunic back on.  Malik gives her a pouch of coins and walks away smiling.  A short time later, Amos returns through the window and sees the pouch.  "Whassat?"  He asks Talia.  She blushes a bit and tries to think of the best way to tell him what happened.  "Malik came by..." She started.  Amos nods and asks "He bring that five small he owes me?"

[Gimfalisette]

ROFL. Amos and Malik jokes FTW.

[Qzzrbl]

Amos, Malik and... Steve had been trapped in this cave for 5 long years. One day Steve was walking along one of the cave's walls when he found this bottle. He brought it to the little camp they had built and opened it. A genie popped out and said,"I grant 3 wishes and since there are 3 of ya'll, you each get 1 wish.  And since you found me, Steve, you get the first wish."Steve said,"I am from Red Storm and I wanna go back home." So then instantly, he was back home. Amos said,"I am from 'Nak, and I wanna go back home."  Amos found himself back in his apartment.  Malik.... He had to think about it a little while. He finally piped up and said,"Y'know genie, I'm gettin' kinda lonely here in this cave by m'self, I sure wish my two buddies were back here!"

[Gimfalisette]

Close. It's Amos, Malik, and Talia, or Amos, Malik, and Jak. And Amos is the one who wishes them all back to the cave because he's the dumbest of the group. Might want to sub in a "witch" for a genie, too.

Don't tell that joke in Tuluk, either. Unless, you know, your character has a disappearance wish.

[Qzzrbl]

Close. It's Amos, Malik, and Talia, or Amos, Malik, and Jak. And Amos is the one who wishes them all back to the cave because he's the dumbest of the group. Might want to sub in a "witch" for a genie, too.

Don't tell that joke in Tuluk, either. Unless, you know, your character has a disappearance wish.

*Facepalm*

Jak! I knew it would've been something like that.... Erm, thanks. ^^

Joke:

Malik: Amos, did ya  get 'dat talkin' bird I sent ya for ya's birthday?

Amos: Aye, an' 'e was feckin' good too.

Malik: ...You ate 'dat bird?

Amos:  Ah'course I ate it.

Malik: 'Dat bird spoke five different languages!

Amos: 'Den th' little fecker shoulda said somethin'.

[Thunkkin]

Amos, now an elderly man, was at home, dying in bed.  He smelled the aroma of his favorite dish - roasted ginka fruit.  He wanted one last ginka before he died...

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where Talia was busily preparing a pile of roasted ginkas (half of them burnt). With waning strength Amos crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the platter of ginkas. As he grasped a warm, moist, delicious fruit, his favorite kind, Talia suddenly whacked his hand.

"Why?" Amos whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," Talia replied.


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A 'rinthi necker was thrown in jail by the militia.  He was hurt pretty badly during his capture and his wounds got very infected, so the sawbones amputated his left arm. The necker requested that the militia throw his arm into the 'rinth.  Not knowing what else to do with it, the militia threw it over a wall and into the 'rinth. 

The next week they amputated his other arm and the elf asked the same thing. The militia complied.

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and the necker again asked for them to throw it over the wall into the 'rinth. The militia sawbones replied, "Sorry, we won't do that anymore.  Templar's orders."

The elf asked why not, and the militia answered, "The Lord Templar thinks you're trying to escape."