Author Topic: Social skills (formerly: body language)  (Read 987 times)

MeTekillot

  • Posts: 10224
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2019, 10:14:50 AM »
It seems like it's ME accidentally flirting with my poor grasp of body language/eye contact. Whoops.
we are here to hack motherfuckers up with bone swords,

roughneck

  • Posts: 824
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2019, 02:03:18 PM »
Learn to walk before you run.

I'm leading a group of managers through this book right now. It's very practical, and while catered to work life, has value for your personal life.

None of us are as self-aware, intuitive and intelligent as we believe we are and could all use some deliberate effort at getting better. 

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-2-0-Travis-Bradberry/dp/0974320625

Practical book to work through, if you can stomach corporatey executive coaching material.

MeTekillot

  • Posts: 10224
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2019, 04:11:08 PM »
Thanks, I'll take a look at that if I can.

Things I've learned recently:
You're supposed to announce your entrance/exit to social engagements.
Glance away occasionally if you're conversing with someone, length of eye contact communicates interest and apparently how attractive/interesting you find the topic or person speaking
Pointing your body toward someone with your torso/groin uncovered communicates dominance/confidence(??)
People fidget in the direction of things that make them anxious. I notice this because people fidget in my direction a lot since I'm silent and probably staring to try to observe the correct behavior for the situation.
Touching? People touch each other a lot but I'm lost to the appropriate dynamics of it

I have almost no grasp of how to control my voice/tone so I default to mumbling or raising my voice just to be heard, but I think the stringent quality of my raised voice makes people think I'm agitated? I want to take speech therapy classes for it. I almost never know when people are being sarcastic so I end up getting confused or offended a lot by it.

Oh, and mimicking the posture and energy of groups is important if you're interacting in them
« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 04:13:57 PM by MeTekillot »
we are here to hack motherfuckers up with bone swords,

Hauwke

  • Posts: 1752
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2019, 05:11:47 PM »
Tip: Just be nice, most people I know will overlook awkwardness if you are the correct level of nice. Don't go overboard with it but if they got a haircut, mention it. If they appear to be growing a beard? Mention that you like a particular style of beard.

It depends on the environment of course, but I find just being a nice person gets you a lot further in day to day activity than purposefully going out if your way to match posture or make the correct amount if eye contact.

MeTekillot

  • Posts: 10224
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #29 on: April 04, 2019, 06:54:39 PM »
I'm able to blend in passable enough to be awkward instead of a freak to be avoided but I'm more interested in actually being able to socialize to have friends and dates and job prospects and that requires being able to not just pass as normal, but be a certain sort of confident at the right time to the right people.

I seem to ping either uncanny valley vibes when I'm not trying to blend in, and my "blending in" is trying to appear confident no matter what, but that seems to be projecting hostility/arrogance/inappropriate sexual interest with many people. I've said before it seems to be a dance instead of being direct all the time. I'm just struggling with the subtleties of it... as I seem to struggle with subtlety in all things.
we are here to hack motherfuckers up with bone swords,

roughneck

  • Posts: 824
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #30 on: April 04, 2019, 07:16:43 PM »
Dude. Just. Talk. Less.

MeTekillot

  • Posts: 10224
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #31 on: April 04, 2019, 07:19:58 PM »
I'm silent almost always actually. I post a lot here but I'm extremely reticent in person.
we are here to hack motherfuckers up with bone swords,

Cind

  • Posts: 1833
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2019, 07:07:32 AM »
If you're interested in a problem I have myself, look up 'theory of mind' online.

For example, a 16-month old infant watches someone put down two boxes, and puts a toy in one box. His mother approaches, looks in the box with the toy, and smiles and exclaims happily. They repeat this a few more times later on, with some space between each time, establishing this knowledge in the child's brain that his mother is happy when she finds a toy in the box. Then once more--- the person puts a toy in one of the boxes, but this time the mother looks in the box that the baby knows has no toy. The mother, however, exclaims and seems happy. A baby that has theory of mind would be startled or confused by this, because they would know that the mother should not be responding like that unless she found the toy, which the child knows is not in that box.

Theory of mind is a person knowing that they have their own beliefs and intentions, while also knowing that other people have beliefs and intentions different from their own. Being able to deceive someone requires knowing this. Most people understand this to some extent, but some people with mental disorders have an incomplete picture. When I started writing this, I honestly thought this would help, but now that I have I realize its more of an information dump. But that's kind of part of it for me--- once in a while, I think things that aren't true, because I follow logic paths in my brain that aren't actually relevant in the same way they are for other people.

If it helps even a little bit then I'm glad, but its still an interesting page on wikipedia regardless.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind
Playing something new could be just what you need!

Cind

  • Posts: 1833
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #33 on: April 05, 2019, 07:32:45 AM »
Things I've learned recently:
You're supposed to announce your entrance/exit to social engagements.

Touching? People touch each other a lot but I'm lost to the appropriate dynamics of it

I almost never know when people are being sarcastic so I end up getting confused or offended a lot by it.

1. Yes.

2. I would just not touch if you don't want to. Maybe this one's easy for me because if the people are strangers/acquaintances, touching is absolutely NOT okay for me in either direction (probably a culture/regional thing.)

3. I would just assume they are never being sarcastic, rather than adding this to the long list of things you seem to have on your social plate. If someone laughs at it, then they are probably being sarcastic, as sarcastic things are almost near-identical to jokes in how people seem to react to them.
Playing something new could be just what you need!

Yam

  • Posts: 7608
Re: Social skills (formerly: body language)
« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2019, 08:14:11 AM »
Eat humans so you can absorb their ways. That's what the alien in The Thing did and... well, I don't want to spoil it in case you haven't seen it. It's a great movie.