Armageddon MUD General Discussion Board

Non-Armageddon Discussion => Non-Armageddon Discussion => Topic started by: MeTekillot on December 24, 2016, 10:36:37 AM

Title: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 24, 2016, 10:36:37 AM
Somebody always cracks wise when I post about it in the other threads so I'm just gonna blog about my mental illness progress in this thread. This is a strictly no querulous zone.

Lamictal is giving me pretty significant insomnia. I woke up this morning feeling extremely depressed, but I've leveled out to calmness I don't recall ever feeling. I don't feel like burning anything down, hurting anyone (including myself), or breaking into tears.

I don't know what appropriate emotional responses are like so I can't quite tell yet if the medication is working as intended or if it is making me too numbed out.

Music doesn't get me hyped up at the moment.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Miradus on December 24, 2016, 11:04:00 AM

Hang in there, man.

"Normal", as shown on television ... doesn't exist. To a degree I think everyone always feels like that. Some just have better coping mechanisms.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 24, 2016, 11:13:20 AM
I don't think they mean to make you feel bad. I think they just really want you to be telling health care professionals about this as opposed to discussing it with people who can't, or shouldn't ethically 'help' you on the internet, MeT.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Molten Heart on December 24, 2016, 11:30:59 AM
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Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on December 25, 2016, 06:49:43 AM
Poor Metekillot! I hope things go well for you.

I also have mental things, and insomnia, which is probably the oldest. I have decided not to take insomnia medicine, it seems like it is dangerous. But I shouldn't be telling you what medicines to take, and its not serious for me because I still get my eight hours.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 25, 2016, 10:09:37 AM
Hey Mek, my experience with meds for bi-polar, which was misdiagnosed: I felt that "even" feeling, it felt sort of like a void. Nothing spectacular, nothing horrible. Everything just - so-so, all the time. At first it was a relief, because having "episodes" of frustration and panic is exhausting and this prevented them. Eventually I got bored of being "the same" all the time and determined that life isn't supposed to feel this way, so I got off it and learned to manage my emotional experiences, and get a more exact diagnosis. (Functional ADD, no hyperactivity). I don't take meds for it anymore but I do take Ambien to sleep, because my brain lacks that ability to set aside thoughts to some other part of my mind so I can stop "actively" thinking and fall asleep.

I still have frustrating moments, they seem to be increasing in frequency now that I'm officially "old" (menopause complete). I'm better at handling them now though, most of the time I can just physically remove myself from the source of frustration and get a grip on my frustrations, then go right back and deal with the situation without falling apart. When I can't physically remove myself I can practice a few relaxation techniques. Like if I'm driving in bad traffic and have to pee and there's an accident up ahead and some moron is beeping his horn behind me - I can calm myself down enough to not be reactive.

In short - being in a "zen" moment 24/7 sounds great to most people who aren't forced to be in that moment 24/7. But it's normal to have moments of jubilation, joy, pride, happiness, and normal to be horribly hurt or sad, and it's also normal to occasionally feel shame, regret, sorrow, and a sense of futility. Never being able to feel these things due to meds makes a person feel less human. What you need is something that will allow you the full spectrum of human emotion, but will block off the "reaction" signals that make you carry those emotions to extremes.  Behavioral management and cognitive therapy can help but they won't solve the problem. Meds are also a tool - not a cure. You have to find the right type and dosage. Work with your doctor (or get a new one). Also - during moments when you would normally be especially upset about something - and the meds make you not especially upset - try and embrace that "it's a really bad thing that's happening but I'm able to handle it" feeling.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Orin on December 25, 2016, 10:55:28 AM
I self medicate with cannabis.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: HavokBlue on December 25, 2016, 01:03:10 PM
Somebody always cracks wise when I post about it in the other threads so I'm just gonna blog about my mental illness progress in this thread. This is a strictly no querulous zone.

Lamictal is giving me pretty significant insomnia. I woke up this morning feeling extremely depressed, but I've leveled out to calmness I don't recall ever feeling. I don't feel like burning anything down, hurting anyone (including myself), or breaking into tears.

I don't know what appropriate emotional responses are like so I can't quite tell yet if the medication is working as intended or if it is making me too numbed out.

Music doesn't get me hyped up at the moment.

Pot didn't work for you did it? My doctor suggested pot to counter the insomnia and appetite reducing effects of anti depressants and ADHD meds.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 25, 2016, 05:30:10 PM
My therapist and psychiatrist advise me against using pot because it can cause my bipolarity (sp?) to act up. I have been smoking drastically less as a result.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 25, 2016, 06:01:18 PM
It can, if anecdotal evidence in my father is worth anything. He is bipolar/schizophrenic and has self medicated with pot for nearly a half century. It's good... Until he runs out. His come downs are... Intensely bad.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on December 25, 2016, 06:10:35 PM
bipolar/schizophrenic here, and I've medicated/treated my self for years. Having time to meditate really really helps with balancing and regulating my own emotions. I find if I start to get sick, or feel depressed, long exposure to sunlight can really turn that around. What exactly is it that troubles you, MeTekillot?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Orin on December 25, 2016, 06:15:05 PM
Nowadays (in Washington state anyway), there are pure CBD strains which don't have any THC in them.  I actually prefer those due to their anti-anxiety and pain relieving properties.  I've heard it helps with seizures and schizophrenia too, as opposed to THC.  In the end it's all in how you use it, or abuse it.

http://www.truthonpot.com/2014/09/24/5-differences-between-cbd-vs-thc/
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 28, 2016, 03:40:49 AM
My friend was complaining about feeling sick all the time and I pointed out how she gets constantly drunk, smokes tons of weed, gets no exercise, and survives on microwave meals. She told me I make her feel bad about herself. I didn't feel like I was being mean. Should I?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on December 28, 2016, 03:57:35 AM
It should keep you up at night every once in a while, but with less intensity and frequency than other embarrassing moments, like if you ever decided to frost your tips.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Molten Heart on December 28, 2016, 04:22:08 AM
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Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 28, 2016, 06:35:07 AM
My friend was complaining about feeling sick all the time and I pointed out how she gets constantly drunk, smokes tons of weed, gets no exercise, and survives on microwave meals. She told me I make her feel bad about herself. I didn't feel like I was being mean. Should I?

You weren't being mean. You were pointing out the most likely reason for her to feel sick all the time. However, it's probably not what she wanted from you. She probably wanted you to do a "aww poor poopsie" for her, pat her back, and tell her it'll be okay. Some people like that kind of thing. In fact, at some point in our lives, everyone wants that kind of thing. Reassurance from someone else that everything's going to be all right. (Sort of like why you posted, right? :) )

So, if there's any "bad" for you to feel, it'd be that you were unable to address her underlying concern. Easy fix - tell her you feel bad that she feels bad. You DO feel bad that she feels bad (no matter why she feels bad), don't you?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Orin on December 28, 2016, 11:24:16 AM
In those situations just follow up with a, "yeah, that totally sucks" or "what a bitch" or "are you fucking kidding me" depending on the circumstances.  Your friend didn't want you to try to help fix it, even though it may have come off like that.  People are weird, and usually just want to talk about themselves with minimal feedback from you other than validation or further lines of questioning about themselves (see the book How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie, amazing stuff on basic social interactions.  Wish I would have found it when I was much younger).
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Miradus on December 28, 2016, 11:44:07 AM

This person is a friend?

Be pickier about who you call a friend and you won't have these kinds of social issues. You basically told this person how to get their shit together (like an adult) and they turned on you.

You need this in your life?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Molten Heart on December 28, 2016, 01:39:37 PM
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Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 29, 2016, 12:00:45 PM
I haven't slept in two days but I don't feel tired. I feel positively excellent actually.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on December 29, 2016, 12:19:04 PM
I haven't slept in two days but I don't feel tired. I feel positively excellent actually.

Are you not on lithium, or do you have some contraindication for it?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 29, 2016, 03:26:29 PM
I'm on lamictal, which my psychiatrist said doesn't usually cause insomnia but googling just its name brings up insomnia as a side effect and I've been having pretty gnarly insomnia since I started it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 29, 2016, 03:57:52 PM
I'd ask a pharmacist about drugs and side effects and interactions way before I'd ask any doctor. The amount of pharmacology doctors are instructed about in school is woefully ... pitiful.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Miradus on December 29, 2016, 04:08:18 PM

Do you have a space where you could work with your hands or anything? I find that doing something productive with your hands is a great bit of therapy. I could send you some of my old blacksmithing books if you'd like.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Malken on December 29, 2016, 04:11:34 PM
I'd ask a pharmacist about drugs and side effects and interactions way before I'd ask any doctor. The amount of pharmacology doctors are instructed about in school is woefully ... pitiful.

Well, I would think that a psychiatrist would know more than a doctor or a pharmacist in general since this is their focus. The problem with medication like lamictal is that it can be all over the place ; insomnia is not a severe side effect, meaning that while it is a common one, it shouldn't prevent you from sleeping at all for many days in a row. You should tell your psychiatrist about it so that he can switch you to something else if you really think that it is your medication that causes your insomnia.

I mean, if you google it it will pretty much bring -every- side effects you can possibility think of but that's pretty common because they need to disclaim every possible side effects.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on December 29, 2016, 08:29:24 PM
I'd ask a pharmacist about drugs and side effects and interactions way before I'd ask any doctor. The amount of pharmacology doctors are instructed about in school is woefully ... pitiful.

Well, I would think that a psychiatrist would know more than a doctor or a pharmacist in general since this is their focus. The problem with medication like lamictal is that it can be all over the place ; insomnia is not a severe side effect, meaning that while it is a common one, it shouldn't prevent you from sleeping at all for many days in a row. You should tell your psychiatrist about it so that he can switch you to something else if you really think that it is your medication that causes your insomnia.

I mean, if you google it it will pretty much bring -every- side effects you can possibility think of but that's pretty common because they need to disclaim every possible side effects.

A psychiatrist is a doctor.

Although I'd like to hear the reason they went with a second line anticonvulsant instead of going with lithium and then valproate.

He doesn't have insomnia because of lamictal.  He has insomnia because lamictal obviously isn't working. I.e. He's still manic.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 29, 2016, 09:20:31 PM
The insomnia didn't start until I started the lamictal.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 29, 2016, 09:24:28 PM
That doesn't necessarily mean it is only because of the Lamictal, though. Have you changed anything recently? Diet, time you've gone to bed, exercise level?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on December 29, 2016, 09:36:00 PM
I'd ask a pharmacist about drugs and side effects and interactions way before I'd ask any doctor. The amount of pharmacology doctors are instructed about in school is woefully ... pitiful.

Well, I would think that a psychiatrist would know more than a doctor or a pharmacist in general since this is their focus. The problem with medication like lamictal is that it can be all over the place ; insomnia is not a severe side effect, meaning that while it is a common one, it shouldn't prevent you from sleeping at all for many days in a row. You should tell your psychiatrist about it so that he can switch you to something else if you really think that it is your medication that causes your insomnia.

I mean, if you google it it will pretty much bring -every- side effects you can possibility think of but that's pretty common because they need to disclaim every possible side effects.

A psychiatrist is a doctor.

Although I'd like to hear the reason they went with a second line anticonvulsant instead of going with lithium and then valproate.

He doesn't have insomnia because of lamictal.  He has insomnia because lamictal obviously isn't working. I.e. He's still manic.

Insomnia is indeed a potential side effect of Lamictal. Speculation, but his doctor may have gone with Lamictal because 1) lithium has really shitty side effects and 2) Lamictal can be effective in ADHD comorbid with BP (http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0269881113493365).
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on December 29, 2016, 11:28:37 PM
Insomnia is not staying up 2 days straight and feeling great. My point is not addressing insomnia. It is not insomnia. It probably is mania, for those of you who missed it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 30, 2016, 12:11:04 AM
Well, it started out as insomnia, and my mood has been progressively weirder since I started taking the lamictal, first it caused me insomnia, then I started getting more common manic-feelingness, then I'd get the total numbness, and now I've just been kind of bouncing around extremely dark depression and what I think(?) is hypomania with my usual baseline being a kind of tired resignation/contentment. The insomnia started about a day or two after I started taking the medicine and persisted the five or six days I continued taking it, so I stopped taking it and organized a visit with my psychiatrist who told me that five or six days isn't enough time to determine if my medicine was causing my insomnia, even though it stopped about a day or two after I had stopped taking the medicine, so I've been taking the medicine since then and my moods have been increasingly 'regular' in the sense that I'm not cycling rapidly between rage/sadness/euphoria and I'm just generally in a state of placidity or contentment and the insomnia has been a regular fixture. Sometimes the insomnia causes me to feel exhausted, other times I get two hours of sleep and I feel fine the entire day (though I sometimes doze off).
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on December 30, 2016, 12:31:02 AM
Looks like it can also induce mania.

Invest everything in bitcoin.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: manipura on December 30, 2016, 03:03:15 AM
Sleep has not been my friend the last few days either.

I am also curious why lithium wasn't a first choice?  Or lithium in combination with something else?

Also, I don't know how much dope you were smoking before and how much you're smoking now, but have you considered that maybe your significant cutting back could be affecting your sleep?  Although if you're sleeping very little and you're not -tired- from the lack of sleep, it sounds much more like hypomania/mania and not so much to do with the decrease in weed.

While it -has- been reported, I think it's very rare that lamotrigine induces mania?

After the disaster that was me and Paxil, I ended up on Lamictal very soon after it was approved for bipolar treatment.  I took it for four years before I told the psychiatrist I wanted off and I haven't been on anything for my bipolar since then. 
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 31, 2016, 02:02:52 AM
I'm told that I have the emotional energy of a shonen anime protagonist. How do I calmer baseline?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on December 31, 2016, 02:15:04 AM
It sounds like you're in the midst of a mixed episode, so lithium and/or valproate, unless you a) have some contraindication you haven't mentioned or b) have failed therapy on one or both, previously, and you haven't mentioned it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: manipura on December 31, 2016, 02:34:30 AM
I'm told that I have the emotional energy of a shonen anime protagonist.

Is this your doctor's professional opinion? :)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 31, 2016, 04:28:25 PM
Varied people have told me I'm an extremely intense personality.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 31, 2016, 05:40:37 PM
And I'm noticing as I get older I'm more disposed toward extreme shifts in mood that I always figured was just me being more and more "fed up" but it could just be untreated bipolar disorder getting worse as I get older.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 31, 2016, 08:02:44 PM
Is it possible for you to get a second or third opinion?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 31, 2016, 10:46:58 PM
I would need to spend more that I couldn't afford.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 01, 2017, 10:35:59 PM
I just want to be involved.

However, I guess I do have something to add: I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Insomnia isn't too much of a problem, this year, but when I have a good diet, it becomes a problem. The less I eat (too poor), the more tired I become, and it's usually fast food and crap.

I'm really curious what your diet is like, including drinks. I have a friend who has a lot of trouble with ADD, but he mellows out when he drinks a particular energy drink. Mellows out, but becomes morbid, and has intrusive thoughts. So, there's definitely a trade off.

Ultimately, if you ever get the money, I suggest visiting a nutritionist and getting them to do one of those tests on your hair, where they can tell you if are deficient in any key nutrients.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on January 02, 2017, 08:11:42 AM
Hair can be used to test DNA. It can't be used to test nutritional levels. Hair nutrition tests are quackery and fraud. Explanation including the fraudulent claims and the actual science here:
https://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/hair.html

MeTekillot, I thought you mentioned at one point you're one of the older Arm players? By older I mean your age, not how many years you've been playing. Could it be possible that, combined with your usual chronic mental health issues, you're also experiencing the results of a hormonal shift? If your estrogen and testosterone levels are out of whack it could upset the whole chemical balance of your mind vs. your meds. If you haven't already, definitely get them checked.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: manipura on January 02, 2017, 09:07:59 AM
He's in his early 20s.
I want to say that he recently posted he was...22? 
But without looking back through his recent posts, it would be a guess.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on January 02, 2017, 09:29:59 AM
Got him confused for someone else then. Regardless, if his mood swings and sleeplessness have become worse, he should still make sure his hormones are doing what they're supposed to do, in the right proportions.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 02, 2017, 05:16:24 PM
Different strains of Marijuana have different effects on my mind. Usually helps with sleep.

In any case, I sleep better when I take the mood stabilizers earlier in the day. But I've also been differing levels of intoxicated every night for the past 3-4 days.

Mood has seemed more stable lately. Had an anxiety attack about dying while stoned a week ago. Been obsessing over death since then but kinda mellowing about it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Orin on January 02, 2017, 05:48:58 PM
Looks like it can also induce mania.

Invest everything in bitcoin.

This is the best advice.  Bitcoin all the things.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 03, 2017, 10:13:30 AM
Qwack! Qwack!

Thank you, Lizzie. I'm not going to even visit a website called 'quackwatch', but I will, however, take your word for it. You don't seem the type to dismiss something potentially helpful offhand, without researching it first. Too bad about the hair thing, too. That would be really useful.

MeTekillot, I don't know what to tell you, but after finding out that you're in your twenties, my best advice is to invest in bitcoin. I read somewhere it was a good idea, and the poster seemed more credible than me.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on January 03, 2017, 10:42:12 AM
Hair can be used to test DNA. It can't be used to test nutritional levels. Hair nutrition tests are quackery and fraud. Explanation including the fraudulent claims and the actual science here:
https://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/hair.html

MeTekillot, I thought you mentioned at one point you're one of the older Arm players? By older I mean your age, not how many years you've been playing. Could it be possible that, combined with your usual chronic mental health issues, you're also experiencing the results of a hormonal shift? If your estrogen and testosterone levels are out of whack it could upset the whole chemical balance of your mind vs. your meds. If you haven't already, definitely get them checked.

Every psychiatric diagnosis (especially bipolar disorder) requires that you rule out organic disease before establishing the diagnosis.  Since he's already said he's seeing a psychiatrist  (doctor), and he's already taking Lamictal, the safe assumption is that organic causes have already been ruled out, if we assume that his doctor is practicing according to standard guidelines, anyway.

Which...I suppose could be questionable, given that with the information we have, the Lamictal prescription seems odd.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 03, 2017, 12:19:13 PM
Death obsessed lately. Not panicking about dying, just morbidly fixated. I have obsessive features, don't know if they're mental illness level or just a personality quirk.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Malken on January 03, 2017, 12:41:32 PM
Mental illness is just a personality quirk gone terribly wrong.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 03, 2017, 12:43:46 PM
I mean it's an interpretation of reality that's not strictly in-line with the consensus of mentally "healthy" people or an interpretation of reality that leads you to hurt yourself(or those around you) or your chances(or the ones of those around you)  for a good future, more like.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 03, 2017, 12:52:24 PM
Singular consciousness is an extended chemical reaction. Consciousness is a self-perpetuating illusion in the beaker of your skull.

* MeTekillot hits blunt.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 03, 2017, 12:55:00 PM
Brains are just computers made of meat that nature put together by accident.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 03, 2017, 01:24:38 PM
This all sounds fairly sane now. You're cured. We did it, GDB.

(http://i.imgur.com/uSKJSKl.jpg)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on January 07, 2017, 02:20:36 PM
So, just catching up here, but as someone also recently (finally) diagnosed as bipolar and trying out new medications...

It sounds like the Lamictil might not be working for you in a way that is giving you positive benefits.  It might be time to call your psychiatrist, honestly bring up your issues, and try something else.  Because issues with sleep were a huge problem for me that made everything else worse, we ended up going with a low-dose antidepressant, setraline, combined with an anti-anxiety medication that has a mood-stabilizing effect, clonezapam.  End result, I'm not depressed all the time and I am mostly able to sleep except when I'm really seriously in a hypomanic way, and then I still have trouble falling asleep, but can get there eventually.

The combo has been really working for me in terms of sleeping and not being a depressed sack of depressed shitty shit thinking about suicide all the time, but it doesn't entirely modulate my moods.  Which I honestly think is a good thing.  I like being able to FEEL THINGS.  The bringing up issues and concerns with medications thing has been hard for me, but I found a psychiatrist who treats me like a fucking adult and takes my issues seriously.  It's my life after all.

Anyway, I feel for you.  I'm hoping you are able to find something that works for you.

To whoever asked about lithium, my psychiatrist said they tend to go with Lamictil over lithium for bipolar II when I asked about it (my first fiance had bipolar I and was on lithium so I was curious and asked).  It tends to not destroy the kidneys as hard.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 07, 2017, 09:47:38 PM
I am pretty attached to my kidneys...
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 07, 2017, 10:51:59 PM
...and I'm a fan of heavy metal.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 07, 2017, 11:46:54 PM
I'm having trouble articulating what I mean exactly, but I have trouble differentiating when I'm over (or under?) reacting to a situation based on my skewed expectations from a troubled upbringing versus when I'm just over (or under) reacting to a situation because my emotions are just on the fray from chemical imbalance
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on January 08, 2017, 12:45:42 AM
Lithium is exceedingly unlikely to "destroy your kidneys."  Long term use can result in decrease in renal function, but it's easily detectable with a basic test, and it happens so slowly that the recommendation is only for like, a yearly screening.

Also, using lamictal for bipolar type 2 has less to do with kidney dysfunction and more to do with the fact that since bipolar 2 is characterized by hypomania+depression, a mood stabilizer isn't as necessary a component of treatment, because the hypomania isn't the problem.

If you are in the throes of acute mania, it is unlikely that lamictal is going to help.  Maintenance therapy--maybe.  Acute phase--no.

I'd like to reiterate that the consequences of untreated or poorly treated mental illness are potentially FAR more catastrophic to your life than mild renal impairment.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on January 08, 2017, 12:50:19 PM
I'm only repeating what my psychiatrist said.  I don't have a medical degree so I tend to rely on people who do for statements like that.

It might have been influenced by the fact that my dad and nephew both suffer from kidney disease, so it already runs in my family.

Anyway, my point remains: Mek, if your medication isn't working for you in a way you need it to, you should talk to your psychiatrist and make some changes.  Just bring up what the Lamictil is doing to you, and if they think you're overreacting, or still in a space where you're getting used to the medication, they'll tell you.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: HavokBlue on January 08, 2017, 04:41:05 PM
My GP prescribed clonezapam a while back and it fixed mood swings but I felt like I was half-asleep all the time.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 08, 2017, 09:52:22 PM
i have mental illness from chemical imbalance and upbringing ina dysfunctional family

"wow, you complain a lot, go see a therapist, internet isn't your blog"

head hurts from my migraines and joints hurt from my arthritis

"god bless!!! hope you feel better soon hun"
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 09, 2017, 10:37:06 AM
i have mental illness from chemical imbalance and upbringing ina dysfunctional family

"wow, you complain a lot, go see a therapist, internet isn't your blog"

head hurts from my migraines and joints hurt from my arthritis

"god bless!!! hope you feel better soon hun"

Dat mental illness stigma. I only poke fun as a defense mechanism. This is actually one of my current favorite threads and I hope you keep it going.

Mental health is a real pain in the ass, man. It's hard to talk about it thoroughly with professionals because they can only give you so much time and in almost all cases even an hour a week isn't going to cut it. You can get some more help by reading, but that just doesn't do the same thing as talk therapy. You can try talking with regular people, but often they wont sympathize because they don't get it or they have their own shit going on or whatever. Regardless I think a social support network is key. I think this is a good thread.

It's also kind of a double edged sword because we all want to chime in and help. That's always kind of dangerous but I doubt you'd listen to our truly bad advice. And hell, Synthesis is a doctor.

I'm curious what your stat card/history is. Want to give us a run down? Feel free to tell me to fuck off - I'm just a curious voyeur and this is your thread.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 09, 2017, 11:10:08 AM
I'm really curious if you've mentioned this thread to your therapist.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Riev on January 09, 2017, 11:15:50 AM
i have mental illness from chemical imbalance and upbringing ina dysfunctional family

"wow, you complain a lot, go see a therapist, internet isn't your blog"

head hurts from my migraines and joints hurt from my arthritis

"god bless!!! hope you feel better soon hun"

I've literally been unhappy for so long that I'm not entirely sure what happy feels like. Even when I laugh, because someone is genuinely funny to me, people make fun of my laugh and I shut it down.

"Man you complain a lot, just be happy".


I feel you man. I may not have any idea what its like to be you, but I'm an expert at what its like to be me. And its rough going when nobody around you wants to "deal with your shit" or expects particular behaviors out of -YOU- to satisfy their own view of the world.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 09, 2017, 01:29:49 PM

I've literally been unhappy for so long that I'm not entirely sure what happy feels like. Even when I laugh, because someone is genuinely funny to me, people make fun of my laugh and I shut it down.

"Man you complain a lot, just be happy".


I feel you man. I may not have any idea what its like to be you, but I'm an expert at what its like to be me. And its rough going when nobody around you wants to "deal with your shit" or expects particular behaviors out of -YOU- to satisfy their own view of the world.

I'm sorry, Riev. That's not fair to you, or anyone who gets treated like that. Despite what seems like popular opinion, you are under no obligations to please anyone with your behavior.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 09, 2017, 02:57:02 PM
I've been the sole support of a friend with mental issues to match mine and that role is completely exhausting so I don't fault people for not wanting to deal with crazy persons extensively. The milennial trend of "ghosting" on someone to communicate you don't want to talk to them anymore, however, I find cowardly and shitty.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 10, 2017, 07:06:08 PM
I've been the sole support of a friend with mental issues to match mine and that role is completely exhausting so I don't fault people for not wanting to deal with crazy persons extensively. The milennial trend of "ghosting" on someone to communicate you don't want to talk to them anymore, however, I find cowardly and shitty.

Is it so wrong to say, 'I'm sorry, I'm overburdened, I need some space or time?' I don't like ghosting.

Save that shit for family, where it belongs.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 10, 2017, 07:15:26 PM
(http://img2.rnkr-static.com/list_img_v2/7580/2427580/C480/inappropriate-construction-and-traffic-signs.jpg)

Warning. Someone has gifted Raptor Dan with a bottle of peach flavored Vodka.


Shit will get real.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 10, 2017, 07:38:42 PM
Psychiatrist recommended upping Lamictal dose.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 10, 2017, 08:30:40 PM
Also thinking about it I might have paranoid delusions of other people's perceptions of me and of my perception of self.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 10, 2017, 08:53:31 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/NnX6Cdu.png)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 10, 2017, 08:54:04 PM
How paranoid are we talking?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 10, 2017, 08:58:05 PM
People have told me I'm paranoid on several occasions but I always just shrugged it off.

EDIT: And I've gotten depressed enough that I've lost touch with reality. Have never lost touch with reality from mania, though.

EDIT: EDIT: And I used to have panic attacks before I got on medication.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 10, 2017, 09:06:06 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ylp5iKDFe10
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on January 11, 2017, 08:23:06 AM
i have mental illness from chemical imbalance and upbringing ina dysfunctional family

"wow, you complain a lot, go see a therapist, internet isn't your blog"

head hurts from my migraines and joints hurt from my arthritis

"god bless!!! hope you feel better soon hun"

I've literally been unhappy for so long that I'm not entirely sure what happy feels like. Even when I laugh, because someone is genuinely funny to me, people make fun of my laugh and I shut it down.

"Man you complain a lot, just be happy".


I feel you man. I may not have any idea what its like to be you, but I'm an expert at what its like to be me. And its rough going when nobody around you wants to "deal with your shit" or expects particular behaviors out of -YOU- to satisfy their own view of the world.

Also, fuck them and I'm putting them on my side-eye list.

It's one thing to say 'hey, I need some time out from your mental health stuff to deal with my own mental health,' and quite another to say 'I don't want to deal with your shit.'

Uh, trust me, buddy, none of us wants to be dealing with my shit.  Least of all me.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Hauwke on January 11, 2017, 04:49:59 PM
Ive been hesitant to post in this thread for two reasons:
1) I give terribad advice.
2) I often find it hard to articulate exactly what I am trying to put out there.

That being said here goes an attempt.

First things first Metekillot, look after numero uno, at this point in your life it sounds like you really just need to say "No" to others. Even if its only once or twice.
Second upping your meds may only make things worse, or it could have the exact opposite effect and make things great again, personal example of mine:
In high school I would get minor anxiety attacks, not even sure why it was a very mixed reason thing,but the doc stuck me Fluexatine or something like that, It had Lovan written on the box idk what it was called. Either way that medication helped me get to a much better place in my life. Might be an idea to bring up the option of a weak dosage of something, just enough to pick you up, but not so much that it carries you
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 12, 2017, 10:21:40 PM
My dose was upped from 50mg to 100mg a day for the lamictal in regards to my previous post about it being increased. Been a few days since the increase and I've got headaches, noticably unpleasant but not unbearable. Currently feeling good instead of average, so thinking it's gonna trigger another manic episode before I level out due to the dose increase, but I guess we'll wait and see. Hoping the increased dose has a sedative effect and stops fucking with my sleep so much (prescriber's advice). Got a new pillow to help with sleep. Not drifting off to sleep like I normally do lately, I'm just suddenly asleep without the preamble of getting dozier and dozier. Getting back into the gym has been helping with self-confidence. Looked at my abs in the mirror while they were still pumped from an exercise session :ok_hand_emoji: :100_emoji:
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 12, 2017, 10:31:50 PM
Also my medication prescriber is a psychiatric nurse practitioner instead of a psychiatrist psychiatrist but I still trust her judgement in the matters of medicine prescribing. She's serious and cooly courteous but not rude, which I don't mind because I have an actual therapist for talk therapy. They regularly speak to each other about patients they share so I don't worry about her missing out on some important thing I'd mention in talk therapy that I don't bring up when I talk to her.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 12, 2017, 10:34:47 PM
Also noticing eye strain and blurred vision but I need to get a new prescription for glasses (or contacts) before I can figure out if it's the medicine.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 12, 2017, 10:46:59 PM
Was that after upping the lamictal dose? Blurred vision is a side effect.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 12, 2017, 11:45:44 PM
Ya but I also have a really outdated glasses prescription.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 13, 2017, 08:03:05 AM
Had a long string of extremely vivid semi-waking dreams getting up this morning that bordered on hallucinations.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on January 13, 2017, 08:43:17 AM
Call your PA. Please.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 13, 2017, 07:37:53 PM
I felt fine after awaking fully. Slight blurry vision and a little depressed today but i was also self pitying about relationships today.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on January 13, 2017, 07:41:42 PM
I still suggest you call your doctor.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 13, 2017, 07:45:42 PM
When I called her ~5 days after starting the lamictal with my complaints of insomnia she told me I should just give my body time to get used to it so I'm not really keen to call her 3-4 days after increasing my dose with more complaints to be told the same thing so I was just gonna give it a week or two.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on January 13, 2017, 07:48:33 PM
No. You need to report all side effects to your doctor promptly. I don't care if she didn't give a shit or not, I do. You tell her how it made you feel. Lamictal is a bitch, but there has to be something else to try if it's not working for you.

She might could split the titration up more. There are very small doses of Lamictal available if bumping up too fast too soon is fucking with you.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 13, 2017, 11:31:18 PM
I started at 25.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 13, 2017, 11:32:27 PM
But yeah the headaches seem to approach incapacitating when I work out. Head is pounding rn.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 14, 2017, 10:23:19 PM
Sometimes my self-loathing gets bad enough that I wanna slice my own face up. I haven't self-harmed in a few months.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: HavokBlue on January 15, 2017, 01:32:40 AM
I know this is like super lame advice and doesn't sound helpful when you're in a shitty mental state, but find something to focus your attention on. Like... Anything that gets the endorphins going and then keep doing it.  Cannabis helped me deal with aspects of depression but I can't be stoned 24/7 so it didn't completely eliminate it.

In my case, throwing myself at political stuff became the vehicle to pull me out of my mental funk because it was a tangible effort-reward cycle. I'm one of those people who for better or worse thrive on social validation and positive recognition.

Before pot and politics I was staying up for 2-3 days at a time and sleeping a whole bunch or not at all, no consistent sleep hours, etc. I had lost a ton of weight, I was hopeless and angry at everything, didn't want to see friends, constant self loathing, etc.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Raptor_Dan on January 15, 2017, 01:44:59 PM
You are in a rare position, describing your inner life here. You get a chance for  similar if not wholly alike people to weigh in with their own experiences and advice, as well as drastically different people. While I'm going to give you two bits of advice I really hope you'll follow, I'd like you to bear in mind I don't particularly judge these experiences and feelings you're having to one side or the other, I'm just acknowledging that they are, indeed, things. Keep a journal, or record of anything that could be a side effect as well as to record your dreams, or these other incidents that may or may not be. Also, call your doctor. So you've decided to wait a week or two, let your body adjust? Okay, call your doctor to tell her -that- instead, because it shows a difference in decision making and it never hurts to just fill in the people who can best take care of you/help you.

It's just communicating effectively, really.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 15, 2017, 11:51:39 PM
Really really really intense but not unpleasant dreams lately. Less night terrors, but I still wake up yelling, but usually from anger instead of a fear. Lot of unresolved anger, bitterness, and anxiety in most of my interpersonal relationship and I dreamed about it often before the Lamictal.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Riev on January 16, 2017, 10:09:02 AM
In my case, throwing myself at political stuff became the vehicle to pull me out of my mental funk because it was a tangible effort-reward cycle. I'm one of those people who for better or worse thrive on social validation and positive recognition.

Before pot and politics I was staying up for 2-3 days at a time and sleeping a whole bunch or not at all, no consistent sleep hours, etc. I had lost a ton of weight, I was hopeless and angry at everything, didn't want to see friends, constant self loathing, etc.

Semi-related, I have a friend who for YEARS would use pot and philosophy/math to keep his mind focused. Like, to the point where he'd be up for days researching something or getting engrossed in some arcane mathematical theory, only to abandon it a couple days later. Couple years ago, after FINALLY submitting to talking to a psychiatrist, he found out he had a mild form of Bipolar (the name of which I forget, but I think it was Cyclothymia). He didn't really know there was anything wrong, and was sort of just self-medicating when he'd get to those odd manic points in his life.

He's MUCH more settled now, has a stable girlfriend, but has dropped a lot of the heavy academic pursuits because he "doesn't feel the driving need" anymore.

TL;DR - Finding something to focus yourself on will help, but it has to be something viable and long term, which is why the medication route may be a great option. But I agree with Boog, any and all side effects should be reported. Make sure to include "headaches are at 8/10 when doing strenuous physical activity" language, and not "I've been having some headaches I guess"
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on January 16, 2017, 11:30:29 AM
The problem with mania is that people frequently don't want medication, or don't believe it's necessary, until they end up involuntarily committed or in jail, because it's physiologically similar to being high on cocaine or meth.  "Hypomania" is essentially an arbitrary distinction based on whether the mania is entirely fucking up your life or not.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 18, 2017, 04:25:39 PM
I feel like I am an alien coming to understand people rather than a person interfacing with other people based on intuition. I'm inherently different than a lot of people, but I'm not quite a different species even if I feel that way sometimes. I'm definitely aneurotypical, with the good and the bad of some various and not fully identified conditions. I think about how people seek out what's familiar and what they know when I sit and consider relationships between people, and I realize the fact that I have a taste for excitement and intensity seems to just be me perpetuating what most of my life has been, even though the experiences I seek of my own volition I hope to be "happier" memories than most of my life thus far, unreliable and mercurial.

I know about some of the abusive and unhealthy parts of myself, my family, and my brain, but I'm trying to learn the greater majority of them so I can change my coping mechanisms and methods of interaction to have myself be more stable and happy. I thrive in stressful situations, but that's not maintainable.

I wonder if I'll wind down from having a taste for sex, drugs, and rock and roll when I get old.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 18, 2017, 04:37:27 PM
I've scored more than half my dates immediately after an extremely depressed episode where my mood and confidence spiked so suddenly that I felt like I could start a cult if you gave me a soapbox.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on January 18, 2017, 10:11:49 PM
Your experiences are not the source of your mania, they're merely the thought content for your flight of ideas.

The Lamictal is not working.

Although...as I mentioned earlier...it wouldn't be unusual for you to be okay with that, up until shortly after the point where it becomes a problem of life-ruining proportions.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: manipura on January 18, 2017, 11:32:03 PM
Although...as I mentioned earlier...it wouldn't be unusual for you to be okay with that, up until shortly after the point where it becomes a problem of life-ruining proportions.

It is indeed, a very fuzzy, thin line...where everything is absolutely fine until you realize somewhere between there and here that it isn't fine anymore. 
If you even realize it yourself, which you very often don't.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on January 19, 2017, 08:16:47 AM
Sometimes my self-loathing gets bad enough that I wanna slice my own face up. I haven't self-harmed in a few months.

Have you ever considered art as an outlet? Using this quote of yours as the example:
Self-loathing = slice your own face.
Solution:
Take some selfies. Print them in color and in black and white, on glossy photo paper.
Cut each one into pieces. Like puzzle pieces.

Re-arrange them on matting board, to express the "fragmented aspects of your life" that you can't stand about yourself.

Frame.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 19, 2017, 09:37:13 AM
I draw, compose music, and program as creative outlets.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 19, 2017, 11:37:12 AM
You ever tried art as an outlet...

(http://i.imgur.com/rty3Vud.jpg)

on weed?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 19, 2017, 03:50:02 PM
I am really lazy when I'm high, creativity wise.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 19, 2017, 08:18:45 PM
Also this medicine hasn't done anything but give me headaches and blurred vision and fucked with my sleep and given me manic episodes. I'm still as depressed as I usually am, still as irritable, and now on top of it I'm getting migraines and having trouble sleeping. I'm getting it changed this Wednesday.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 19, 2017, 08:19:21 PM
Also how do you tell if homicidal impulses are just a result of you being poorly adjusted, a budding political radical, or you're just mentally ill?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 19, 2017, 09:10:19 PM
It sounds like you're surrounded by genuine assholes, so I'd err on the side of normal intrusive thoughts (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought) intensified a bit by your neurology/psychology. As you probably know, ADHD can really impair your ability to regulate your own emotions (http://www.drthomasebrown.com/add-adhd-model/).

If I were in your shoes I would probably try to see another psychiatrist/ARNP anyway - this one sounds like a goofass.

I would also make it my mission to get away from shitty people. That kind of stress can trigger/exacerbate neurological/psychological problems in anyone.

This might not be realistic for you, but this is just what I would try to do if I were in your shoes: Find a way to get away from my current situation and get health insurance or enough money to get re-evaluated/treated by a medical professional I was really confident in. I'm not sure how you were diagnosed with ADHD/bipolar/anything else but it's never a terrible idea to revisit the assumptions underlying your current treatment if it isn't really working.

How were you diagnosed with bipolar in the first place? Were you ever put on another mood stabilizer? Hospitalized?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 19, 2017, 09:46:25 PM
I ask because http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/12158.html. It's reallly hard to tell the difference between underlying poorly managed ADHD + mood-altering stress/guilt/trauma/insomnia/whatever, one of the actual bipolar disorders, and ADHD comorbid with a bipolar disorder. It's worth reconsidering whether the mood disorder treatment is wrong or if an underlying neurological disorder + environmental factors are mimicking a mood disorder, in which case mood stabilizers might help but potentially not as much as some other course of treatment.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Hauwke on January 19, 2017, 11:26:24 PM
Not to ruin the thread, but Goofass is now my favourite word Yam
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 01:16:37 AM
I haven't gotten an extensive psychological work up but my therapist and prescribing practitioner are thinking I may have something on the bipolar spectrum and I am not inclined to disagree.

I overcompensate for constant violent impulses and desires by being cloyingly gentle and careful with everything I do. It's not that I'm bothered by occasional intrusive thoughts, I am constantly obsessed with violent thoughts and imagery. They don't bother me, it's just something that bounces around in my head. I don't talk about it with people, because telling people about your constant violent fantasies is creepy, so I just keep it to myself. Like I said, they're not intrusive or unwanted. I just know I can't act on them because 1) jail 2) consequences 3) terrifying the people around me. I go into frenzies when I lose my temper, so I endeavor, at all times, to never, ever lose my temper.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 01:37:29 AM
The only thing that bothers me about my constant and varied violent obsessions is the fact that they don't bother me but do bother other people, so I usually keep them to myself, or occasionally share them with my also weirdly morbid best friend. I used to hurt animals and set fires when I was a kid. No bed-wetting, though. I also now love animals. My mom has told me she was afraid I would grow up to be a serial killer, but my mom is also neurotic and nutty as shit, too.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 03:20:11 AM
How big were the animals and how bad did you hurt them?

Were you being a bit rough with cats or skinning horses?

I'm getting a general sense that your imagined scope of normal human thoughts/behavior is a bit more constrained than the real scope might be.

I'm not trying to discount your problems or your current providers, but mental health issues are difficult to diagnose and often misdiagnosed. Your description of thoughts sounds like it is within what I'd consider normal. I'd push for a thorough evaluation or re-evaluation while getting away from what sounds like toxic living conditions.

Again, just what I would do.


Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 04:16:13 AM
Are you telling your therapist about these thoughst? If not, time to find a new therapist - you don't trust them.

If you are, how are they responding? It really isn't too nuts to obsess on violence. people just don't really admit to it. Gore/horror is a main stream genre for a reason.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on January 20, 2017, 08:39:09 AM
It never hurts to get a second opinion, even if you agree with the first opinion.  It sounds like your medications aren't having a positive effect and, to the contrary, are making things worse instead of better.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 09:19:14 AM
I trust my therapist very much, the only thing I keep to myself occasionally is when I'm using drugs a little more often than usual, because that makes it harder for me to have them trust me with my Adderall scrips. I don't abuse the Adderall, it's actually extremely helpful on the days I take it, though I don't do it often because it messes my appetite, slerp, makes me kinda sweaty, and makes working out suck hard.

I am doing much better than I was last year. I would sit down at my job at Amazon, cry, and have multiple panic attacks a week. I was also self-harming several times a week and my opinion of myself was much, much lower. I haven't hurt myself seriously in months, have not had panic attacks since July, and have not been to depressed to move since I started antidepressants.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Delirium on January 20, 2017, 10:17:46 AM
Stop mixing drugs. That's a start.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 11:53:08 AM
Don't tell me what to do
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 02:33:16 PM
But did you skin a horse?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 02:58:10 PM
No I would hurt mittens sometimes but I seem to have grown out of it. I still burn things I hate.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 03:15:55 PM
I trust my therapist very much, the only thing I keep to myself occasionally is when I'm using drugs a little more often than usual, because that makes it harder for me to have them trust me with my Adderall scrips. I don't abuse the Adderall, it's actually extremely helpful on the days I take it, though I don't do it often because it messes my appetite, slerp, makes me kinda sweaty, and makes working out suck hard.

I am doing much better than I was last year. I would sit down at my job at Amazon, cry, and have multiple panic attacks a week. I was also self-harming several times a week and my opinion of myself was much, much lower. I haven't hurt myself seriously in months, have not had panic attacks since July, and have not been to depressed to move since I started antidepressants.

Also I meant more about the lamictal/bipolar diagnosis. You might benefit more from adjusting ADHD and depression meds if you aren't actually experiencing mania. Also skipping the Adderall on some days might not be a great idea. ADHD can significantly impact your ability to self-regulate emotions.

I'd recommend reading some of Thomas Browns or Russell Barkleys work on ADHD. A lot of what you're describing here sounds more related to the poor emotional regulation aspect of undertreated ADHD than the bipolar spectrum.

Adderall (I'm assuming mixed amphetamine salts generic) might give you shitty side effects but there might be another stimulant that doesn't. Or a combination of stimulant + nonstimulant. There are a lot of newish options (that aren't heinously expensive) that a non-ADHD specialist likely won't know about.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 07:21:41 PM
I take the Adderall intermittently as-needed. Instant release tabs instead of delayed. I don't like most of the effects, though I didn't have a sex drive when I took it as a kid and now that I do hoo boy
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 07:22:44 PM
Second opinion couldn't hurt but insurance only covers so much. I sell drugs to afford drugs, boss
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Delirium on January 20, 2017, 07:33:39 PM
You're coming across as pretty manic.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 07:51:14 PM
Not sure where you're seeing signs of mania or even hypomania. Low inhibition and blurting, sure.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Malken on January 20, 2017, 08:11:03 PM
Not sure where you're seeing signs of mania or even hypomania. Low inhibition and blurting, sure.

Huh..

Disconnected and very fast thoughts.
Inappropriate irritability.
Inappropriate social behavior.
Increased sexual desire.
Markedly increased energy.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 08:18:22 PM
I've always bucked social mores and been horny as a motherfucker. It's just punctuated with periods of depression and periods of "eh"
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 08:36:07 PM
Do you actually think you've been in a manic/hypomanic state? How does that differ for you personally from a normal/good mood?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 20, 2017, 08:37:45 PM
Yes.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 20, 2017, 08:40:55 PM
I'm putting a non-compliant in your chart, young man.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 25, 2017, 06:43:07 PM
I've discontinued the lamictal and I'm going a few weeks without mood stabilizing medication beyond my antidepressants so I can get a solid image of what my normal state of mind is and so I can better evaluate how medications are affecting me.

I had a hypomanic episode a few days after stopping the lamictal that I think I might have triggered with taking an Adderall too late in the day and the mix of that with the lack of sleep slingshotted me into an episode that lasted about ~2 days that I kinda forcefully ended by sedating myself with marijuana and benadryl so I'd pass out and go to sleep. I responded to a couple dozen craiglist casual encounters ads, posted a lurid photo on my snapchat, created and maxed out the message limit on three dating profiles, and put an awful lot of energy into hitting on five or six girls that I know personally with much more sexual innuendo and outright sexual suggestion that is really normal for me.

I was too embarassed for about a day to go back and review my messages and pass out apologies. I didn't go through with any of the craigslist things, though more people than before have naked pictures of me now. At least I looked good in them..
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 25, 2017, 06:46:13 PM
Also I got very, very angry when I discovered this thread was locked and was about <-> this close to dumping every single Arm related thing I have on my various drives and emails onto the Shadowboards out of spite but I chilled out a little and just got the lock appealed.

I'm going out drinking with some friends this Saturday who I've been getting to know better. I am being more temperate on how quickly I invest myself in friendships and am working on excising most of the toxic people from my life, including my family. I'm using Facebook again and instead unfollowing people who make more than two or three posts a day that irritate me. I'm refraining from my usually caustic sarcasm when I see people doing dumb things and just gossiping like a little bitch with my friends about it instead. I only reactivated my Facebook so I could use tinder but I'm going to keep it for a few weeks to see if I am better able to manage using it without getting upset.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 25, 2017, 08:32:46 PM
Try cutting out marijuana (and probably alcohol and everything else). Also try taking your prescribed amphetamines regularly as directed or switching to a non-stimulant. And for fucks sake, don't divert your stimulant medications. That just makes life harder for those who actually depend on them to function.

It's starting to sound like you're fucking yourself over here rather than merely being at the mercy of a mental illness.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on January 25, 2017, 08:41:59 PM
Try cutting out marijuana (and probably alcohol and everything else). Also try taking your prescribed amphetamines regularly as directed or switching to a non-stimulant. And for fucks sake, don't divert your stimulant medications. That just makes life harder for those who actually depend on them to function.

It's starting to sound like you're fucking yourself over here rather than merely being at the mercy of a mental illness.

Yep.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on January 25, 2017, 09:17:12 PM
I know what its like to -really want- to do this, to -not possibly- being able to do that. Its not really about self-control or trying to read a book instead. If I were you I would probably not leave my medication again unless it comes to surface that you were misdiagnosed and need a different medicine.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 25, 2017, 09:32:16 PM
I'm not prescribed the Adderall daily and I have had the lamictal prescription discontinued. I am going to be getting a second opinion for medication and possibly a full diagnostic work up, but that is going to need to wait until I take care of other medical issues.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on January 25, 2017, 09:44:22 PM
Yeah, like boog said you probably shouldn't take anyone's advice here.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 25, 2017, 09:48:18 PM
Wow great job Cind. Now you've created a logical paradox and opened the gates to true madness. That's much the last thing this poor young man needs.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 26, 2017, 10:42:52 PM
I am very forthcoming, principled, honest, and generally good-natured. I have trouble harboring ill will toward people, I think because I have a close to eidetic memory when it comes to social events with people or things that have happened with people, so I remember almost every single thing, good or bad, that someone has ever done to me. I have become very good at forgiving people as a result of this. I am in the process of learning acceptable boundaries for letting people get away with doing things to you and when you should raise hell about an issue. I have a very intense personality and I can be somewhat combative because that's what I've learned growing up with my family. I am also in the process of learning better conflict management skills and being able to more positively criticize people.

I have extremely rigid principles that I almost always refuse to compromise in any situation whatsoever. I think this plays into me having black and white views of people. I find that how loose other people are with the standards with which they will treat others and let others treat them to be shocking, constantly, but it is shocking me less and less as I encounter more "normal" people.

I am taking people with a grain of salt more often, recently, than I used to. I am trusting to the point of naivety and I've found that I've been mercilessly taken advantage of and lied to more often than not because of that.

I don't know what a well-adjusted person is like. I don't know what a "normal" person is like. I've grown up being told by family and friends that nobody is well-adjusted or healthy, but it's slowly dawning on me that while all people have their neuroses, I think my idea of normal is very, very skewed.

Social interaction is a checklist for me. I don't feel natural when I interact with people unless I'm drunk. Sometimes I think this is because I'm too hard on myself, but other times I think I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum, and some psycho-doctor-brainy types think that ADHD may be somewhere on the spectrum. I don't put any stock in traditions or laws unless I see pragmatic or emotional value in them.

I am afraid of the cloudless sky, and by extension, space. I have anxiety attacks if I stand on my head when the sky is clear. I also don't like spiders. Nothing else scares me unless it puts me in imminent mortal peril.

More and more I have friends and peers who do things that I find abhorrent that makes me lose a lot of respect for them. Infidelity and driving drunk are two of my "things". General indecency to each other in a relationship is another thing. I also support theft from the obscenely rich while finding theft from the individual absolutely unacceptable, which is hypocritical.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 26, 2017, 10:45:32 PM
Most of my anti-religious fantasy daydreams are anti-Christian, which I just now noted. It's probably something to do with most of my experience with bigoted religious people being Christians, or my parents. My parents just don't understand, man.

I am aware that growing past the abuses of my parents is my responsibility or whatever hokey Chicken Soup for the Soul bullshit someone is gonna say whenever they note me chatting about my parents in here, if I continue to post in this thread regularly.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 26, 2017, 10:47:49 PM
Also I care more about getting high and doing hoodrat shit in my early twenties than I do about a completely clean mental bill of health, so I'm probably gonna keep doing drugs. I'm being mindful of pacing and temperance, though, and I don't really have any plans to fuck with anything you saw in Requiem for a Dream.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 27, 2017, 02:58:49 PM
I suspect that you genuinely want a functional life over weed and dopamine fueled triple posts on the GDB interspersed with bouts of embarrassing mania.

Marijuana can be either a useful medication or low harm recreational drug for some people. For others it can trigger and exacerbate a variety of psychological and neurological problems.

You are somewhere on a combination of the ADHD, bipolar, and maybe depression/anxiety spectra. You also have what you describe as a pretty bad home life. This is probably exacerbated by the fact that your underlying disorder(s) aren't being properly treated and you are NEET.

You're pretty young still but you're old enough that mild fuckups can snowball. You're one arrest away from falling into the clutches of Synthesis and the justice system.

I know it's frustrating to have a disagreeable brain, but you justifying extremely risky behavior in your precarious position is simple neurotypical stupidity exacerbated by impulsiveness and/or mania. Risks and experimentation are fine when you're mentally stable and have support to fall back on (and money for a lawyer).

From what you've described and my understanding as a well read science-guy-but-not-doctor you would be best served by trying to manage your ADHD symptoms with a combination of REGULAR medication and cognitive behavioral therapy/coaching. I don't think you'll be able to successfully diagnose/treat other comorbidities until you can manage the impulsiveness, emotional dysregulation, and other core symptoms of ADHD.

Taking mixed amphetamine salts irregularly is stupid. That will just preserve the initial recreational and mania triggering effects like euphoria and reduce the actually useful long term thereauputic effect of improved self-regulation. If your ARNP prescribed mixed amphetamine salts as a sometimes pill then they doent know how to properly manage ADHD. If you are only taking it sometimes and either selling or saving the rest for recreational binges then that's on you.

I suspect the ADHD diagnosis is the most accurate since 1. ADHD is a more common disorder both by diagnosis rates and by the frequency of its associated gene variants (i.e. it is not underdiagnosed) and 2. your posts and description of symptoms really match what ADHD experts (like Russell Barkley and Thomas Brown) describe rather than the older superficial criteria more commonly known. A bipolar diagnosis is much more difficult to make since it far less understood and it's chief symptom of mood cycling and mania/hypomania can easily be mimicked by ADHD, substance abuse, environment, etc. It may be that you have bipolar disorder that requires pharmaceutical treatment. I contend that you cannot figure that out until you manage your ADHD symptoms.

I'm really sympathetic here and I think a thread where you genuinely try to improve your mental health is great, but it seems you're using this to mostly to rationalize poor decisions. I don't think anyone wants to see you narrate a downward spiral brought about by drug misuse.

tldr; stop justifying your drug misuse, figure out how to actually manage ADHD, weed is probably exacerbating your mental health issues

Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 27, 2017, 05:11:56 PM
My drug misuse isn't justified but I am moving from amphetamine salts because while they are extremely effective when I take them, I'd prefer a holistic betterment of my ADHD.

I'm also not a NEET, lol, I have a job, am about to start college, and socialize regularly. The finer and vaguer points of social maneuvering are just often lost on me until I practice them instead of grasped intuitively as it seemingly is for other people.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 27, 2017, 08:13:25 PM
Probably a good call on amphetamines. Super effective when used correctly and regularly but intermittent use is usually worse than no treatment at all. There have been a few new approved and genericized non-stimulants in the past few years too, like guanfacine.

Glad you're not a NEET. I didn't mean it in a bad way, just that it can exacerbate an already stressful situation.

Your description of social skill problems also really fits the ADHD bill. I'm not trying to pigeonhole here, I'm just trying to point out that (what I think are) the best new models of ADHD incorporate it's impacts on social development and emotional regulation but haven't really caught on with non-specialists yet. Most of what youre describing lines right up with these more comprehensive models of ADHD. There of course might be comorbid mood disorders, but many ADHD specialists are leaning toward ADHD being an underlying foundation now.

An article to show I'm not just talking out of my ass: http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/For-Adults/Living-with-ADHD-A-Lifespan-Disorder/Relationships-Social-Skills/Social-Skills-in-Adults-with-ADHD.aspx

Also I'd you're in a reading mood I'd recommend perusing http://www.drthomasebrown.com/articles/

Brown actually wrote an article about ADHD and comorbid disorders where bipolar gets its own section. Give it a read.
http://www.drthomasebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Feb09_CooccurringConditions.pdf
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on January 27, 2017, 09:07:39 PM
I think the only thing I've really missed in your myriad of symptoms is a reference to actual hyperactivity. I get the mania stuff, but that's not the same as hyperactivity (the H in ADHD).

I ask about it because there does exist such a thing as ADD, which doesn't involve that hyperactivity aspect. I have it, and have had it most of my life though it wasn't diagnosed til I was well into adulthood. I was told I just chose not to pay attention. I got scolded a lot for it. I've always had trouble staying "on task" unless whatever I was doing was incredibly interesting to me. That means - watching TV, reading, and since my first computer that had DOS and a dot-matrix printer, no mouse, and Multimate as its word processor, text games.

When I'm working, I'm very much at ease with the public - they're customers, and I enjoy the interaction. But at parties when I'm not "protected" by that counter between myself and everyone else, I tend to be fairly introverted and uncomfortable.

When I was first diagnosed, it was with bi-polar disorder and I was given Prozac. That lasted around 6 months, and I told the doctor I wasn't happy with the results at all. I felt like "I" was inside the "shell" of my body, observing but not attached to the world. Plus I was gnashing my teeth and shaking a lot. So he switched me to Anafronil. That lasted one pill's worth. I warned my husband that I might need him to take me to the hospital, and subsequently tossed the prescription and fired my doctor.

I lived with ADD all my life, and decided to just accept that I'm "different" and work with it instead of fighting against it. I'm much more content, I'm a more efficient worker, because instead of trying to focus on just one thing, I am embracing the fact that I focus on EVERYTHING all at the same time, without the filter most people have to tell them "this isn't important, you can ignore it and concentrate on that instead." Other than that one 6-month period of misdiagnosis, I have not ever, nor don't currently, take any meds for my ADD.

Obviously I end up being incredibly long-winded, but that's my thought processes. I make no apologies.

I don't know if my post is helpful to you MeTekillot but hopefully you'll find a tidbit of inspiration from it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on January 27, 2017, 09:29:49 PM
I fidget a lot, yes.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on January 27, 2017, 11:07:30 PM
I think the only thing I've really missed in your myriad of symptoms is a reference to actual hyperactivity. I get the mania stuff, but that's not the same as hyperactivity (the H in ADHD).

Huge misconception about ADHD. It isn't a deficit of attention or a hyperactivity disorder. Those can be symptoms but they aren't defining features or even diagnostic. The real defining feature is a greatly diminished ability to self regulate which can apply to attention, wakefulness, mood, emotions, vigilance etc. ADHD and ADD are the same thing with slightly different presentations.

Also there is fairly solid evidence for a relationship between ADHD and mania: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19770771

Quote
Conclusion

ADHD and mania appear to have in common not only many symptoms but also pathophysiological aspects. Among these is the instability of vigilance, which possibly triggers hyperactivity and sensation seeking as an autoregulatory attempt to stabilize vigilance. In this context, common genetic findings possibly related to vigilance, such as CLOCK genes, are of special interest. Starting from findings about common vigilance deficiency, it was suggested that stimulants might be effective not only in ADHD, but also in the treatment of acute mania. The first evidence of this new treatment option is available and controlled studies should follow.

The full article is behind a paywall but if anyone wants a PDF feel free to PM me.

Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 02, 2017, 12:21:19 AM
I wear my coat like a security blanket if I'm not comfortable where I am.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 02, 2017, 12:24:17 AM
I actually place a lot of personal value in objects, but not in a materialistic sense. I'm very sentimental about things I just have laying around if they were a gift or I had them at a pressing time. "Lucky" things like pennies are about the only superstitious thing I believe in even if I have a phobia of the dark while not actually believing in ghosts and the like.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 02, 2017, 12:25:30 AM
I define myself with the things I own, though not brand recognition wise but rather what these things mean to me. I've developed a habit of burning things from my past that I no longer like to be associated with, though I don't think the fire setting is compulsive, it's kind of a personal ritual.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 02, 2017, 12:28:00 AM
Attachment to inanimate objects is probably from being alone a lot as a kid.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 02, 2017, 12:31:54 AM
Attachment to inanimate objects is probably from being alone a lot
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on February 02, 2017, 02:14:31 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-yoMEZXnbQ
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 03, 2017, 09:42:43 PM
Feeling especially depressed tonight for no apparent reason. Have been off the Lamictal for a couple of weeks so I can get a gauge of my default non-stabilizers addled range.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 04, 2017, 12:38:21 AM
manic episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6rE0EakhG8
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: spicemustflow on February 07, 2017, 05:56:24 AM
I sort of want one.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 07, 2017, 06:19:21 AM
Sometimes have trouble differentiating bad decisions from impulsive symptoms or typical young adult stupidity.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 20, 2017, 06:07:00 PM
I am not treating the people I care about any worse, but I am growing colder and colder toward people I am at odds with. Understanding the motivations of people who have put themselves into positions that are antagonistic to me and mine living comfortable lives isn't softening my view of them like it used to. I am steadily growing more supportive of radical action to enact change. I used to extoll the virtues of pacifism, understanding, and tolerance. I find people's violence justified or, when I don't, I don't care that it's not right. I'm turning into a nihilistic pretentious douche. I've been navelgazing about the nature of human life a lot, and I'm creeping toward the belief that, because everything is inherently meaningless, there is no point to trying to take a saintly satisfaction in the moral high ground. People's actions and the results are the only thing that matters, but I'm not spinning into a manifesto about how I'm gonna shoot up a McDonald's for selling secret Obama sauce, before I get too far into my goth ranting.

Cause and effect is what is mattering more to me lately, instead of what I believe is 'right'. I can't tell if my shiny principles are eroding or if my priorities are just changing. I still feel a basic kinship with my fellow man and I want to make the world a better place, but it's seeming to me more and more that trying to always do the right thing has just run me ragged, and idealistic people like me who always try to do the velvet-gloved right thing have only succeeded in letting intolerance and parasites crop up.

I see my dad in the gradually growing insensitivity in my ranting and raving. I don't know whether my steadily growing coldness to other people is a result of worsening mental illness, from getting older and steadily crankier, or if it's a justified reaction to a steadily worsening culture of intolerance and toxic selfishness that's been stoked by people who want to keep on top of the pile.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 20, 2017, 06:08:12 PM
My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. Also, I'm coming down hard off a pretty big Adderall dose so I'll probably vet that monologue a day or two from now.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 20, 2017, 08:10:38 PM
I don't believe there is any absolute moral standard, and applying this to the rest of my views is making me pragmatic. Life is inherently meaningless, but that doesn't make it practically meaningless. Might makes right, but might is measured in more than muscle. Force, whether its physical or philosophical or ideological is what drives human history, and that's worth getting angry about. Apathy is the death of the human condition.

So, you know, do drugs, do gay stuff, get pepper sprayed and suck it up or headbutt the cop.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Ubermensch
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 20, 2017, 08:11:57 PM
Also, I'm done with Adderall, makes me grind my teeth too much.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 21, 2017, 03:18:20 PM
I primarily use this thread whenever I am trying to vocalize feelings about my mental illnesses instead of giving play-by-plays and updates about my journey with it. If anyone is curious about my current progress, here are some good things:

I have, several weeks ago, made the decision to end continuing to renew my Adderall prescriptions and am switching to a different medicine.
I am moving out of a toxic home environment.
I am being less ingenuous when it comes to generosity and who I give my time and trust to.
I quit a job that was causing me undue stress and mental anguish in comparison to the compensation it provided.
I have been engaging less in hostile arguments with my family and people in general, because I have come by some little bit of the wisdom that not all fights are worth it at that moment.
I have a wall in my room dedicated to reminders that I use to break up negative thought patterns, and to post reminders due to my constant forgetfulness.
I exercise regularly and practice healthful eating, one parts because of vanity, another health (including being healthy and also because I have a stomach that requires healthful eating or I'll know about it), and another my mental health.
I have stopped smoking marijuana heavily.
I am averse to drinking heavily after having experienced alcohol poisoning some months ago.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on February 21, 2017, 05:27:38 PM
Those changes (and constants) sound really positive. Good on you, MeTekillot. You're gonna make it after all.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 21, 2017, 07:54:47 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/0bhp4.jpg)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on February 21, 2017, 08:11:53 PM
Aw man... Whenever I remember that Zyzz died a little part of me dies too.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 21, 2017, 08:19:47 PM
Zyzz's death let his essence disperse into every sad cunt who wanted to be a sick cunt. You can be a sick cunt too brah. You just gotta wanna
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on February 21, 2017, 08:35:36 PM
Zyzz died in a Thai brothel at the age of 22 after living as a caricature for a few years. He probably had some fun, but he didn't make it. Nobody is really gonna make it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on February 21, 2017, 10:02:51 PM
This is it already. Existence is making it. Your life is your own to experience. We're all gonna make it cuz we already did
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 03, 2017, 03:37:53 PM
I'm moving out into my own place this week and am looking forward to getting a more accurate read of my symptoms when removed from the toxic environment of my family.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on March 04, 2017, 09:27:04 AM
Good luck, man.  Those sound like positive changes and I'm rooting for you.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 10, 2017, 03:34:55 AM
Some questionable decision making has me teetering close to my first panic attack since July.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 20, 2017, 07:03:49 PM
Been working on stuff for 3-4 jobs for the last week or so. People at the job I'm at right now with 2-3 1/2 hours of commuting are being really nice to me but I think they're just desperate for people, so I don't really feel bad about leaving with little notice for a closer one with the same pay. Roommate seems nice, but she's kind of messy, but that's okay. This floor is my mind.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 21, 2017, 08:27:05 AM
Still plagued by depressive spells triggered by being rejected or being alone for too long. Don't know if my meds are ineffective, partially effective, or properly working and the sadness I'm feeling is a reasonable reaction to my friendless existence.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 21, 2017, 09:53:57 AM
I actually look forward to going home at the end of the day, now, though, with having my own space not soured by my family. I might pick up an instrument.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: ExtraPlanar on March 21, 2017, 10:16:36 AM
I'd recommend learning to juggle!

Lots of people I know say its a great way to take your mind off things, while also being pretty cheap. (Plus you can learn real complex patterns+site swaps once you get the basics down)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 21, 2017, 11:28:05 AM
Yeah but I want a hobby to express myself which can also be used for sex. I'm a block from a college campus and three blocks from a music store.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 22, 2017, 08:22:05 PM
If you're just tuning in, I encourage anyone else to vent/discuss their illness if you are comfortable. Discourage stigma.



I shaved my head. I'm sure this has some sort of psychological significance.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on March 25, 2017, 11:14:14 AM
I have mental issues. Mostly just narcissistic and incredibly lazy, interspersed with depression and social anxiety. The meds I've tried: Lexapro and Wellbutrin didn't really do much.  I felt a bit better but never like I got the magic pill I needed. Sometimes I wonder if I'm bipolar. The couple times I tried stims I absolutely loved them.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on March 25, 2017, 03:07:40 PM
Untreated ADD, hearing impairment, degenerative disk disease, osteopenia in hip and spine, astigmatism, cervical cancer survivor, low blood pressure, borderline hypoglycemic, bad knee, neuroma in my left foot, permanently broken big toe in my right foot (I rolled a full keg over it a couple dozen years ago when I was a bartender), menopausal, chronic insomniac.

Nothing a little exercise and my nightly Ambien can't treat :)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on March 25, 2017, 03:36:47 PM
Nightly... Ambien.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 25, 2017, 03:40:03 PM
me: I am just wanting very much to be at a psychologically stable state of mind

therapist, pyschiatrist, friends & family: stop abusing drugs and alcohol to numb negative emotions.

me: (http://cdn3.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/white-guy-blinking-gif.gif)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on March 25, 2017, 03:49:09 PM
Nightly... Ambien.

Not sure why you commented on that. Ambien is a prescription sleep medicine. I'm a chronic insomniac. Or I used to be, until I started taking Ambien. Now, I sleep at least 6 hours every night, usually 7, occasionally a full 8. The best part of it, is I don't have to go to bed exhausted and lay in bed frustrated for 3-4 hours because the sleep refuses to come. I'm asleep within 1/2 hour of laying down. It's amazing.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on March 25, 2017, 05:46:08 PM
I commented because every pharmacist I've ever worked under is always very critical of doctors who recommend or prescribe Ambien for more than 7 days at a time.

It wasn't ever supposed to be prescribed as a maintenance medication for daily use.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on March 25, 2017, 06:10:15 PM
I commented because every pharmacist I've ever worked under is always very critical of doctors who recommend or prescribe Ambien for more than 7 days at a time.

It wasn't ever supposed to be prescribed as a maintenance medication for daily use.

Initially it wasn't. But then there are people like me, who have lived for years with trouble sleeping. Trouble falling asleep, mostly. Not a circadian problem, an ADD issue. Can't shut the thoughts off. Even benadryl doesn't help. Just makes you even more tired - and the thoughts still don't shut off, which makes you exhausted and irritable.

I'm one of the fortunate folks who have zero side-effects from it. I've been taking one every night for seven years. I can even control the timing of my sleep with it. So if I need to get up extra early, I take one earlier than usual, and go to bed early. No less than six hours later, I'm awake and ready to prepare for whatever I have planned. If I can "sleep in" the next day, I can opt to stay up late and take the pill later - and no less than 6 hours later, I'm awake.

I check in with the sleep medicine folks every so often, they keep telling me the same thing: as long as I'm not experiencing any side effects *and* as long as I'm not feeling like I need more than I used to need, to accomplish the same results, I can take it indefinitely. If I ever choose to stop taking it, I can wean off gradually, but then I'll be back to insomnia again and will need *something* to make me sleep.

I'd rather just take this one pill with no side effects than literally lose sleep trying to find something else simply because something else isn't Ambien.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 28, 2017, 09:59:31 PM
My intense and frequent inability to emote and behave in a proper social, interpersonal way has left me with only one or two people I can call a friend. One of these people (my best friend) has told me that pity at my nearly friendless situation is one of the reasons she hasn't cut me off due to my toxic behavior.

I have taken to trying very hard to stop offloading my negative thoughts and feelings to people I know personally as I have noticed my stormcloud torrent of querulousness has alienated former friends several times. I have stopped binge drinking (note: I had been binge drinking frequently these past months to numb runaway emotions). I am also out of marijuana and at a loss for an outlet to talk about my gay bad feelings besides this thread and my therapist, the latter of which I have not seen in about a month and whose appointments I have had to curtail due to financial and schedule difficulties.

As such I have turned to self harm for the first time in several months to exercise some control and to relieve overwhelmingly negative emotions that I felt woupd have built to a much more socially or physically harmful outburst.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on March 28, 2017, 10:07:02 PM
There aren't any low cost therapy options out there for you? Someone who might have a sliding scale, until you can afford your old therapist?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 28, 2017, 10:10:01 PM
I don't really want another therapist right now. I feel I've gotten quite lucky with my current one based on horror stories I've heard.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on March 28, 2017, 11:15:41 PM
You need someone and something.

I think trying to find something in the interim is better than nothing at all.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 29, 2017, 11:13:31 AM
You need someone and something.
(http://i.imgur.com/vztc6Bw.gif)
Quote
I think trying to find something in the interim is better than nothing at all.
My next appointment is this Saturday, thank God.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 29, 2017, 11:19:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/UxizcxK.jpg)
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 01, 2017, 11:52:27 PM
Met, I thought of you when I saw an advert on Facebook for betterhelp.com -- apparently, it's online access to therapists. It said it was affordable, though I don't know your monetary situation and I haven't looked into prices.

But I thought I'd plug it up and in here, just in case anyone else needed someone (licensed) to talk to, too.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 02, 2017, 01:59:49 AM
I've also referred my therapist to my various personal and online discussions of my mental illness, including this thread.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on April 02, 2017, 03:01:06 AM
Hope she makes a PC
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Malken on April 02, 2017, 05:34:50 AM
Hope she makes a PC

Harley Quinn's origin story.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 05, 2017, 03:50:44 PM
I almost certainly need intensive inpatient care but lack the means to pay rent and hold a job while undergoing such. I think about killing myself whenever I consider living with either of my parents. Maybe I'll become your standard severely mentally ill homeless person.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 05, 2017, 03:53:22 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason and do not recall with clarity tge last six hours at work. I am in desperate need of intensive psychological therapy. Does anyone know of any resources for low income mentally ill in the Louisville area?

EDIT: I am also consumed with violent thoughts aimed at myself and others so intense that the jaw clenching from them is probably wearing on my teeth. I'm trying to balance sobriety for neurotransmitters sake with drug use to suppress my more inwardly and outwardly harmful behaviors.

For anyone concerned, I intend to have a successful story of psychiatric recovery to share as an anecdote for warm fuzzies later in life, that's why I am doing my best to document to have reference and contrast when I am "better".
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Maziel on April 05, 2017, 04:57:42 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason and do not recall with clarity tge last six hours at work. I am in desperate need of intensive psychological therapy. Does anyone know of any resources for low income mentally ill in the Louisville area?

EDIT: I am also consumed with violent thoughts aimed at myself and others so intense that the jaw clenching from them is probably wearing on my teeth. I'm trying to balance sobriety for neurotransmitters sake with drug use to suppress my more inwardly and outwardly harmful behaviors.

For anyone concerned, I intend to have a successful story of psychiatric recovery to share as an anecdote for warm fuzzies later in life, that's why I am doing my best to document to have reference and contrast when I am "better".

https://openpathcollective.org/

"Find therapists for rates that range between $30 and $50 a session"

If it can't find anyone close, you may want to consider filtering for online sessions with your preferred credentials/skills with them.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on April 06, 2017, 02:08:46 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason

Bruh what
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on April 06, 2017, 02:16:03 PM
My friend got me some gerbils (basically hamsters) for Christmas many years ago because she apparently thought a good gift was the burden of pet ownership. I wanted to murder those fuckers every single night because they would keep me up with their fucking wheel. One day while I was traveling they escaped. My heroic cat got one of them for me. The other died by ingesting copious amounts of plastic while trying to chew through a container.

So don't feel too bad I guess.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 06, 2017, 03:57:47 PM
Let me ask my uncle if he's aware of anything. He lives in Louisville and works as the principal of a school for underprivileged young adults who had to drop out of high school, so that they can receive their high school diploma or equivalent. He's pretty familiar with services for the poor.

I'll get back to you, Met.

Edit: While I wait for a response back from him, I found a couple things online:

http://www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf?_function=list&state=ky
http://www.freetreatmentcenters.com/state/kentucky
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: TheGoose on April 06, 2017, 06:22:15 PM
I used to smoke weed to treat my insomnia. It worked a lot better than booze. But then, I got a possession charge. So, now I'm back to either drinking or just not sleeping for a few days. :shrug:
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 06, 2017, 06:33:56 PM
There are a ton of really safe medications, and hell, even herbal supplements you can try for insomnia.

Please don't go without sleep.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 07, 2017, 01:34:12 AM
Benadryl is a very effective hypnotic with mild side effects.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 07, 2017, 04:18:13 PM
Um.

I wouldn't resort to utilizing that every night. Please.

My uncle's girlfriend actually works in the mental health field. He said he'd get with her when she got back into town about resources for you, Met.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 11, 2017, 11:42:20 AM
My therapist referred me to 10 hours of intensive therapy but I simply don't have the time.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 11, 2017, 12:41:56 PM
I may have another manic episode soon, I usually get this same feeling in my chest after massive depression before I swing up.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 11, 2017, 04:18:16 PM
You don't have enough time for a 10 hour intensive therapy session but you have enough time for in-patient?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 11, 2017, 05:22:11 PM
I can get inpatient psychiatric help covered under disability when it comes to missing work and money, 3 3 hour sessions a week I cannot.


Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Melkor on April 11, 2017, 05:22:44 PM
Define "Tortured a hamster."
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 11, 2017, 08:01:51 PM
Sprayed it with air freshener and chased it around its cage so it'd squeak.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Melkor on April 11, 2017, 08:27:44 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason and do not recall with clarity tge last six hours at work. I am in desperate need of intensive psychological therapy.

Spraying air freshener and playing chase the  hamster does not run with the narrative of being in desperate need of intensive psych therapy. I am inclined to think either "Torturing the hamster" was a fabrication to seem edgy, or the spraying air freshener and chasing it was a fabrication to seem less guilty of abusing an animal.

Either way, smells like millennial in here, something rotten.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 11, 2017, 09:31:14 PM
Looks at the camera like I'm on the Parks and Rec.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 18, 2017, 10:07:26 AM
I have earned the hamster's trust in my attempts to make right my mistreatment of him as an outlet for my aggression. My roommate is moving out with little notice, which is another strike for the stress box. Laptop is broken, so will need to find something to occupy time besides video game escapism until I can fix it. I have a good feeling about the balance in my social relationships and my behavior in them lately. I think I'm approaching a decent state of balance. Then again, I'm probably residually stoned from smoking a lot.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: TheGoose on April 18, 2017, 12:41:52 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason and do not recall with clarity tge last six hours at work. I am in desperate need of intensive psychological therapy.

Spraying air freshener and playing chase the  hamster does not run with the narrative of being in desperate need of intensive psych therapy. I am inclined to think either "Torturing the hamster" was a fabrication to seem edgy, or the spraying air freshener and chasing it was a fabrication to seem less guilty of abusing an animal.

Either way, smells like millennial in here, something rotten.

@Melkor
Are you... trying to qualify this dude's odd behavior? What are you, trying to have a symptom-off? This isn't a fucking competition. The fuck is wrong with you? Get out of here.

Edit: At best, you're trying to draw attention to your snowflaky ass by being ironically edgy. Really, you're kind of egging someone who's already admitted to acting out to do something more drastic to 'prove' their illness to you. Fuck right off, good sir.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Rathustra on April 18, 2017, 12:44:51 PM
Are you... trying to qualify this dude's odd behavior? What are you, trying to have a symptom-off? This isn't a fucking competition. The fuck is wrong with you? Get out of here.

Who are you responding to?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: manipura on April 18, 2017, 01:01:56 PM
I tortured a hamster the other day for no reason and do not recall with clarity tge last six hours at work. I am in desperate need of intensive psychological therapy.

Spraying air freshener and playing chase the  hamster does not run with the narrative of being in desperate need of intensive psych therapy. I am inclined to think either "Torturing the hamster" was a fabrication to seem edgy, or the spraying air freshener and chasing it was a fabrication to seem less guilty of abusing an animal.

Either way, smells like millennial in here, something rotten.

Telling someone who clearly has shown that they have issues with mental illness that they are just being edgy and millennial is pretty shitty, bud.

Or is this like the communism thread?  People with mental illnesses just have to try harder than the next person and really grab those bootstraps, then they'll conquer their shit and have no right to complain?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Melkor on April 18, 2017, 01:13:06 PM
He said he tortured a hamster. Then he said he sprayed air freshener and chased it. They both cannot be true, because one does not equate to the other.

Explain why this is wrong.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Malken on April 18, 2017, 01:58:31 PM
He said he tortured a hamster. Then he said he sprayed air freshener and chased it. They both cannot be true, because one does not equate to the other.

Explain why this is wrong.

Being an asshole on a forum usually works better if you pace yourself and stick to one thread at a time, otherwise, your asshole'ish life tends to be very short-lived.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 18, 2017, 05:09:47 PM
I think causing harm and distress to a defenseless animal qualifies as torture fwiw
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on April 18, 2017, 05:16:25 PM
So don't I.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Melkor on April 18, 2017, 06:02:03 PM
Being an asshole on a forum usually works better if you pace yourself and stick to one thread at a time, otherwise, your asshole'ish life tends to be very short-lived.

LOL! "Keep being mean and you will DIE!"

Grow up, kid.

I think causing harm and distress to a defenseless animal qualifies as torture fwiw

If this is true, and how you feel, you should know that you are not fit to be responsible for another life. Find a suitable home for your hamster until you have a grip on your mental state.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 18, 2017, 06:50:46 PM
Not mine.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Melkor on April 18, 2017, 06:54:22 PM
Your roommate's?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 18, 2017, 06:57:01 PM
Yeah.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 11, 2017, 11:58:51 PM
I'm back on Citalopram and Strattera. I'm also trying Rexulti. Been feeling fine the last 4 days. Sleep schedule adjusted to 3rd shift and I've been averaging 6-9 hours a day. Dead dating life still causes me some distress but I will be back into the gym, buying some new clothes, and barhopping once I stabilize my finances. Idk about bars for finding an SO, but random sex with beautiful strangers will probably help my recently critically low self-esteem. Hamster also trusts me now from my efforts to assuage my previous cruelty.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on May 12, 2017, 07:33:12 AM
Um. Wrap it before you tap it if you're gonna bonk randoms.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 12, 2017, 08:29:46 AM
I thought having kids with randos would be cool though.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: boog on May 12, 2017, 08:41:58 AM
You live in Kentucky. Don't be Kentucky.

And mostly I meant for the STDs. I'm worried you'll engage in high risk behavior, such as not protecting yourself, if only for the thrill.

I want to at least tell you to practice some sort of caution.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 14, 2017, 01:30:13 AM
Sad and angry about social rejection/isolation tonight, negatively affecting my work performance but I'm still functional. My sex drive is also way down.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on May 15, 2017, 07:58:05 PM
Hamster also trusts me now from my efforts to assuage my previous cruelty.

Now is the time to strike. Make it a decisive battle.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: FamousAmos on May 15, 2017, 08:47:18 PM
Has Borderline Personality Disorder ever been discussed with you, Met?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 16, 2017, 10:54:42 PM
No, I don't know if I meet the criteria for that. I do have issues with abandonment, but mine are more a result of naivete and poor social skills than a personality disorder, I think.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: FamousAmos on May 17, 2017, 02:22:19 AM
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 21, 2017, 09:08:18 AM
I don't have objectives answers for all of those.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 21, 2017, 09:13:26 AM
Procastinating until today on quitting harmful coping behavior of weed smoking. Dreading avoiding weed smoking friend will make my weird schizoid loneliness problems worse. Only available regular human interaction is electronic, strangers, work, or toxic family. Unstable relationships is probably a maybe at least. Been stable for last few weeks besides other night at work idealizing suicide rather than move back with family if I can't find living situation. Lease is up and roommate moving out.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 27, 2017, 07:42:36 PM
I'm too squeamish to commit suicide but depressed enpugh that it fucks up my work performance.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 28, 2017, 07:06:23 AM
I've bounced back into a generally content state of mind. Also of note is I've completely stopped use of nonprescription drugs.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on June 28, 2017, 05:44:16 PM
I have moved out to bumfuck nowhere Corydon to live with my dad, get my license, and save money for college. My anxiety has been steady since I moved out here a few days ago. Does anyone have antianxiety tips? I smoke 1 cigarette a day max if I become too overwhelmed but I want to stop that completely. My dad isn't supportive of me going to therapy but I'll still go when possible. I have twice weekly online sessions as well. I partially moved out here due to guilt over not being as close to this side of the family as well.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Molten Heart on June 28, 2017, 06:36:12 PM
.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 26, 2017, 11:34:12 PM
I can't hold a job without quitting from despair inducing boredom 6 months down the line so my job history is a wreck. I have the same problem at every job. I can't go to college because I can't get a license without a car to practice. I moved back in with my fucking mom which was a shitshow and I can already tell will be again. I'm unemployed. I've started smoking cigarettes because they're the only thing that give me fifteen minutes of no anxiety from how fucked I am. I am terrified of driving. My mental health is in shambles. I'm in the safety net of my antidepressants because I can feel how much worse I would feel without them, it's like there's guard rails on how sad I can get, but not on how anxious. I've been vomiting from stress.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 26, 2017, 11:44:07 PM
Actually, maybe not on the guard rails. Every day I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts to escape the wreck that has been and will be my life, just not in sadness, but as a way to cope. Fantasizing about suicide puts me to sleep, but I still can't sleep through the night.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 03, 2018, 04:02:22 AM
I use nicotine to stabilize my emotions now. I don't take antidepressants and I've significantly cut down on marijuana and alcohol. I vape instead of smoke, since I can almost perceive cigarettes killing me every time I smoke one. My closest friend cut me out of her life because she's in a relationship with a very insecure guy who freaked out about me, but after the initial sting (back in October, about?) I don't care so much anymore. I don't see people outside of work or home very often, but I figure that won't be so bad once I start college. I have a few thousand saved up and am in the market for a shitty car so I can learn to drive properly. I don't shower daily like I used to, but I think that's me just being less stringent about my hygiene (and it seems to be helping my skin?) and not a mental illness thing.

I still have a weird relationship with violence and power, but I believe that might be a result of the abuse of my parents of me growing up and I'm able to identify it and mitigate it. I'm organizing sessions with an online counselor (again) but I don't feel like I need to get it done asap or I'll fall apart, more like it'll be easier to pick apart, identify, and mitigate my more peculiar neuroses and character flaws.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 19, 2018, 10:19:01 AM
I took too many caffeine pills and had a mild episode of psychosis, thought the government was following me around. I mean, they're definitely watching me at least passively, because I'm a member of a bunch of extremist socialist groups on Facebook (one of them unironically defends Kim Jong Un?) and I regularly look up shit about gratuitous violence, explosives manufacture, and firearms, but that's just me being curious. Anyway I've settled back down and I don't think they're going to come shoot me while I'm using the restroom at work but I don't think I'm gonna take so many caffeine pills again. I took them because I was so tired I was going to call into work, but I very much do not want to lose my job (for now).
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Yam on March 19, 2018, 07:06:30 PM
Hell yeah. Thread's getting good again.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on March 19, 2018, 07:41:45 PM
Glad to see you're putting in the effort to keep things in check. I was reading over some earlier pages in this thread, and my personal experience with similar problems is that a bit of preventative maintenance is easier than trying to clean up continually worse messes as time goes on.

If money for therapy is a problem, or treatment in general, consider a crises hotline, they maybe don't need to know EVERYTHING, suicidal ideation is different from attempts, you could share the suicidal ideation with the doctor they send you to for an intake assessment. A long time ago when I lived in Louisville, I went to the university downtown. They prescribed me anti-depressants, it did not, end well. Explain to a crisis hotline your financial situation, in my experience, these days, anyway, there tend to be, subsidized programs for mental illness, that involve seeing some doctors and not necessarily just getting thrown into the crazy bin and pumped full of thorazine.

Also, Melkor, wtf? Anyway, that was pages back, probably best to just, sweep that under the rug.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: cshoov on March 19, 2018, 08:02:51 PM
Glad to see you're putting in the effort to keep things in check. I was reading over some earlier pages in this thread, and my personal experience with similar problems is that a bit of preventative maintenance is easier than trying to clean up continually worse messes as time goes on.

If money for therapy is a problem, or treatment in general, consider a crises hotline, they maybe don't need to know EVERYTHING, suicidal ideation is different from attempts, you could share the suicidal ideation with the doctor they send you to for an intake assessment. A long time ago when I lived in Louisville, I went to the university downtown. They prescribed me anti-depressants, it did not, end well. Explain to a crisis hotline your financial situation, in my experience, these days, anyway, there tend to be, subsidized programs for mental illness, that involve seeing some doctors and not necessarily just getting thrown into the crazy bin and pumped full of thorazine.

Also, Melkor, wtf? Anyway, that was pages back, probably best to just, sweep that under the rug.

A. S/o to Louisville. I lived there for a while, too.

B. In my experience and in that of others, pervasive suicidal thoughts can be okay sometimes.  I'm not saying you shouldn't get help if you think you're in danger of hurting yourself, but you don't have to give your thoughts power over your actions.  Sometimes when my depression is rough, I think about what it would be like to kill myself, and beating myself up over it just makes it worse.  I just think about it for a bit, then I let it go.

C. Somebody gave you chlorpromazine for depression? Wtffff I'm no MD but that is not what that's for.

D. +1 to crisis hotlines.  I worked at one for ~6 months and it was a really good resource for the community.  Their specialization was finding free/affordable mental health resources for callers.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on March 19, 2018, 08:09:30 PM
No, I've never taken chlorpromazine, I was just recalling crazy stories an old schizophrenic neighbor of mine told me from way back in the day. We spent a lot of time talking about mental illness, and improvements in treatment methods, and this was some ten years ago, when I was unmedicated and without any form of treatment.

They gave me an SSRI for a "mood disorder"... they didn't want to say depression for some reason. Found out why later when I had a manic episode that about ruined my life. With nothing to mitigate the potential side effect of mania, well, impulsivity, hey, these happy pills make me feel good, I think I'll take another.

ETA: The problem with bipolar disorder is communicating to people you've wronged, about the things you did, namely, friends and family, is very difficult because they simply do not take the time to research and understand the condition. There are very real differences in brain structure, white matter sheathing, etc that all contribute to "episodes". When you say, "I have moodswings." you might often hear "Yeah, bud, everyone does. You just don't care about anyone but yourself.", which certainly doesn't help the depressive side, where you ruminate on thoughts, regrets, wonder if these people you actually DO care about might be right. If you try to explain the intricacies, then you'll get that stare like their brain just shut off. It's like, to some, you seem to be fabricating this enormous lie as some kind of excuse.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 20, 2018, 08:49:21 AM
Being autistic on top of having a mood disorder is where I lose most people in the glassy stare.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on March 20, 2018, 03:52:04 PM
Being autistic on top of having a mood disorder is where I lose most people in the glassy stare.

Ah, yeah, that's one thing I didn't go into, is there can be comorbid conditions, which complicates matters, and I don't really think I could do the subject justice trying to explain it. It might be some psuedoscience magazine article I read a while back nonsense, but there are some interesting genetic and neurological parallels that bipolar disorder shares with autism as well as schizophrenia.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on March 22, 2018, 08:00:04 PM
I have a family history of mental illness, as well as a traumatic childhood. Thankfully, none of the abuse was sexual, so I at least have somewhat normal sensibilities when it comes to that. I've had to learn social skills by rote and practice, and the same with conversation. I often wander around muttering to myself (though I have learned to not mutter) as I practice phrasing and just speaking in general. I'm obsessed with succinctly expressing my thoughts, and lately, I've also been practicing doing so with "normal" words that I try not to have exceed two or three syllables, as I am gradually (and always), learning more about people, and I have realized that most people are not English nerds (besides boog(parentheses(inside(parentheses)))).

I have also come to terms with the fact that I have a fetish for violence and sadism that is probably a result of the specific kinds of abuse heaped on me by my father, though it may also be genetic? I intend to study psychology and neurology when I start college. Honestly, I'd love to octuple major, and I probably could, if I were on a mainline of Adderall the whole time, but realistically, my poor executive function makes studying and focusing hard if I don't have some sort of substance to assist or if I'm not actively stimulated by the activity.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on March 22, 2018, 08:30:20 PM
There's been some research done that seems to indicate base temperment has a strong genetic component, although I happen to believe environment also plays a role, however I don't know what the hell I'm talking about here because my basis is some magazine article I read back in the day and not serious research on my part.

I used to be an extremely spiteful, aggressive, angry person. Part of this may be due to inheritance on my dad's side, but I'm sure no small part of it was conditioning through fear. This was dangerous for two reasons, for one, the slightest sign of aggression on the part of another would cause panic to grip me, which resulted in addrenalline surge and a fight or flight instinct in a mind that preferred "fight". The other part feeds into the first in that I, myself, was an aggressive douchebag and nobody likes those.

I wouldn't say it was so much a fetish for me, more of what seemed like a necessary evil, in that if you give someone an inch my experience had taught me they'd take a mile. I realized it was self-destructive, harming my health, and, as I reflected, horribly unfair for those who found themselves in my vicinity. Modifying my attitudes and beliefs in order to facilitate modification of my behavior took a lot of quiet, alone-time, and is a work that's never really finished. It's a good thing I'm naturally an introvert.

I have to say I'm not particularly upset everything went to hell in a handbasket for me, as it was a valuable learning experience, also I kind of sort of deserved it for being a jackass. I can now reflect on those lessons when dealing with people who give me trouble and perhaps facilitate some positive change in their lives, if not right away, then somewhere down the road, which I feel inclined to do given that I've spent a good long while trying to cultivate empathy. I find it rewarding if I have some small degree of success somewhere, somehow.

I look forward to reading of your success in your chosen field in the future. Those two subjects are fascinating, but I am unfortunately much more artistic than analytical, so it's not something I can apply myself to.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on March 29, 2018, 03:35:37 AM
I think I'm having a manic episode, time to hole up inside and bar the doors, this could get ugly with all my entitled milenialist thinking.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: cshoov on March 30, 2018, 12:19:01 PM
I think I'm having a manic episode, time to hole up inside and bar the doors, this could get ugly with all my entitled milenialist thinking.

Are you feeling any better today?  How long does a thing like this usually last for you?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 09, 2018, 08:50:02 AM
Keeping my emotions off my face is one of the most mentally draining things I've ever tried to teach myself to do. Went to a friend's birthday party. Think I only offended her girlfriend with one stupid joke comparing her to Yoko Ono, and I think I only cane across as somewhat reticent rather than as an utter spastic. Progress.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 09, 2018, 08:51:56 AM
I did ALMOST cry from the stress of trying to appear normal (and my (possibly paranoid?) worries that I was failing miserably) but I didn't. 😎
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on April 10, 2018, 02:38:47 PM
I think I'm having a manic episode, time to hole up inside and bar the doors, this could get ugly with all my entitled milenialist thinking.

Are you feeling any better today?  How long does a thing like this usually last for you?

Starting to feel better. I don't keep a journal (which would likely help) but they typically last, for me, one-two-ish weeks.

I'm depressed= usually bad only for me, with some side issues from bumming out others.
I'm manic= a bad time for everyone, awkward, spontaneous, impulsive words and actions.

Those actually in the know will be like, "Oh, he just, gets like that, pay it no mind."... those who don't understand will find it quite bizarre.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: cshoov on April 12, 2018, 01:28:59 PM
Glad it's a little better, at least.

Yesterday:
Woke up after sleeping for 13 hours. Had breakfast and coffee, then lied on the floor of my room and cried for no apparent reason for about an hour. Got a migraine, went to work where I almost passed out while tutoring somebody. Got Indian food (my comfort food) for dinner and hung out with a friend and his girlfriend for a few hours playing Breath of the Wild. Stayed up until 6 AM working on a project for my lab, which I've put off for too long because of really debilitating anxiety.

Today:
Tired but feeling better. Catching up on stuff at work.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 21, 2018, 11:59:32 PM
I fell asleep while tripping on LSD. Only slept for 3 or 4 fours.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on April 22, 2018, 11:07:37 AM
I fell asleep while tripping on LSD. Only slept for 3 or 4 fours.

I, didn't think that was possible, from personal experience. Careful with that stuff, some rather educated and talented people have burnt their minds on that. Can make for some interesting perspective, all things in moderation.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 23, 2018, 06:28:59 AM
I feel less violent and sadistic the following day. A little grumpy and irritable but violent fantasies don't have the same cathartic appeal. Wonder if it's just because my neurotransmitters are still normalizing.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on April 23, 2018, 11:12:32 PM
Setting your brain on fire can do that.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on April 25, 2018, 01:48:14 PM
Back on my violence fantasy bullshit. Guess I was just tired. Gonna do acid again this weekend. Only reason I did it a few days ago was because I had planned to have it be an experience with other people who ended up cancelling so I just tripped for two hours and spent the rest of it sleeping. I want to see what it's like with people.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 08, 2018, 08:42:32 AM
People lie to you. They do this a lot. A surprising amount! Even when they don't benefit.

Gagging at things brushing on your neck or on unpleasant foods is apparently common in sensory disorders.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 08, 2018, 08:45:22 AM
People offer to do things they don't actually want to do to be polite. There is no way to know if this offer would be socially acceptable to take without a complex calculation of your relationship, their possible personality type, and any owed favors.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on May 08, 2018, 09:35:31 AM
People offer to do things they don't actually want to do to be polite. There is no way to know if this offer would be socially acceptable to take without a complex calculation of your relationship, their possible personality type, and any owed favors.

My rule with this is if I accept their offer then it's on them. If they want to get pissy about it then that is on them as well. It's not like I twisted their arm or blackmailed them into it. I quickly write off people who think "You should've known." as chronic troublemakers worth less of my time. It's best to find out early on with little things than to cultivate a more trusting relationship with someone before stepping on an anti-tank mine.

People lie to you. They do this a lot. A surprising amount! Even when they don't benefit.

Second verse same as the first.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on May 29, 2018, 05:58:06 AM
I mutter to myself constantly, practicing phrases for conversation with people because  I stutter and pause very frequently or use extremely precise language that's a dead ringer for sperg monologuing.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: zeia on June 06, 2018, 10:49:22 AM
I wish people that dont suffer with mental illnesses could be given a taster.. for a moment to see what its like. The amount of timea I have been told by people to 'snap out of it' or 'cheer up' its infuriating..

I do not know how many of you knew Hashi, but, his sister emailed me a few weeks ago, to let me know he had taken his own life in Febuary :(
No one even knew he suffered with depression, let alone that badly.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Karieith on June 17, 2018, 10:30:50 PM
Is this the thread to complain about mental illness in because my anxiety has been really bad. To the point where I'm convinced my character is annoying people when they Way them and that they're uncool and nobody likes them or wants to hang out with them.

It's really annoying and incredibly convincing.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on June 19, 2018, 06:24:28 AM
I find that when I am sliding into depressed moods that mustering all my willpower (not always successfully) into initiating a task I am skilled in (programming, oration, skill-based video games, logic puzzles, physical activity, soothing or assisting other people) that it frequently helps to abate my symptoms. Even when it doesn't it keeps my hands busy and contributes towards my mastery of something specific and a general improvements in ancilliary skills.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on June 19, 2018, 06:27:02 AM
Is this the thread to complain about mental illness in because my anxiety has been really bad. To the point where I'm convinced my character is annoying people when they Way them and that they're uncool and nobody likes them or wants to hang out with them.

It's really annoying and incredibly convincing.
I've had no coping mechanisms work as effectively for me other than nicotine or harmfully loud music (or outbursts of anger (I try very hard not to do these anymore)) to help when I'm anxious.

Is it constant anxiety or do you find you have spells of it?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Bebop on June 19, 2018, 05:36:51 PM
Is this the thread to complain about mental illness in because my anxiety has been really bad. To the point where I'm convinced my character is annoying people when they Way them and that they're uncool and nobody likes them or wants to hang out with them.

It's really annoying and incredibly convincing.

Hey, even if they are it's just your character.  Not you.  Y'know?
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Karieith on June 20, 2018, 03:20:14 PM
Is this the thread to complain about mental illness in because my anxiety has been really bad. To the point where I'm convinced my character is annoying people when they Way them and that they're uncool and nobody likes them or wants to hang out with them.

It's really annoying and incredibly convincing.

Hey, even if they are it's just your character.  Not you.  Y'know?

It's seeped into my real life and now I think everyone hates me and is just humoring me. I feel like I'm the most boring and shitty person in the world and it sucks. I'm gonna talk to my psychiatrist about it on Friday.

I've had no coping mechanisms work as effectively for me other than nicotine or harmfully loud music (or outbursts of anger (I try very hard not to do these anymore)) to help when I'm anxious.

Is it constant anxiety or do you find you have spells of it?

It's semi-constant but not ever present anxiety. It comes and goes but can linger for hours :( When it hits it's like a hammer.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Bebop on June 21, 2018, 12:22:06 AM
Is this the thread to complain about mental illness in because my anxiety has been really bad. To the point where I'm convinced my character is annoying people when they Way them and that they're uncool and nobody likes them or wants to hang out with them.

It's really annoying and incredibly convincing.

Hey, even if they are it's just your character.  Not you.  Y'know?

It's seeped into my real life and now I think everyone hates me and is just humoring me. I feel like I'm the most boring and shitty person in the world and it sucks. I'm gonna talk to my psychiatrist about it on Friday.

I'm glad you have someone to talk to about it.  Hope you feel better.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: TheWanderer on June 22, 2018, 03:08:23 PM
The majority of people in the world are pretty stupid and/or ugly, so I'd hate for them to be elevated by misplaced anxiety. There's only a very small section of the population you should be anxious around.

You want it to be this community of nerds? Just remember that for future interactions! Cheers.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on June 26, 2018, 06:17:00 AM
OMFG... wait, Hashi?... oh no... I um, I really liked that guy.

EDIT: I really do and I hope you're joking...
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Grapes on June 26, 2018, 06:21:05 AM
God damn no... color my day ruined... I can't believe that.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: azuriolinist on June 26, 2018, 07:34:32 AM
I didn't know Hashi. I think I played with his PC.

This is devastating. I really, really hope his sister and family are okay and getting through this.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 04, 2018, 12:25:33 AM
It is more difficult to force yourself to oust toxic people from your life when your circle of friends is more like an angle of friends
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: zeia on July 05, 2018, 02:56:25 AM
OMFG... wait, Hashi?... oh no... I um, I really liked that guy.

EDIT: I really do and I hope you're joking...

Unfortunatly not :(
He didn't leave a note or anything, no reason as to why. He did have alot going on in his life, and, I guess things just got too much for him :(
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 09, 2018, 10:04:22 AM
When your therapist pings your ego a little bit about how you perpetrate some of the things people do to you and she's right but it didn't occur to you until it was pointed out. #justnarcissistthings :'(
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Scrumpkin on July 09, 2018, 11:08:27 AM
Getting out and experiencing life is an important step with coping with it.  Not making light of this, but being a victim to feelings can be a problem.  This is not an easy step, it may take a lot of effort at first, but as time goes on, it will get easier.  Abstaining from alcohol and eating right is also a huge part of it.  Life can be as complicated as we make it.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 17, 2018, 05:27:15 AM
Booze in any amount has made me sick the last ~5 times I've had any amount from small to large.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: valeria on July 25, 2018, 07:39:16 PM
My psychiatrist is switching me off sertraline and onto lamictal and I must say, SSRI withdrawal suuuuuuucks.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on July 31, 2018, 09:21:51 AM
My experiences with LSD have been very positive, but as I'm not a doctor nor party to the extreme intricacies of other peoples' biology, I won't go so far as to recommend they try it. I think it may have contributed to my brother's final break into schizophrenia but that's just conjecture.

It put me into a state of mind that made it easier to directly confront the aspects of myself that were harming me and my relationships. I may do it again in a few months, I've been frying myself much too often for comfort in the last few months, which is to say, I think 5 times? I won't be so #woke as to say I'm a different person but I've definitely switched which tracks my train is on.

My extreme downward moodswings have been extremely minor in comparison lately, as well, but I'd like to credit my improved ability to cope and some subtle increases in my self-esteem, but the acid may also be a contributor. I'm also surgically grafted to a vape pen constantly filled with the highest nicotine concentration I was able to purchase online so that may also be a factor.

I'm waiting for winter to really get a good read on my mood, as that's consistently my worst time of the year.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: Karieith on August 08, 2018, 10:27:04 PM
Intrusive thoughts are bad and exhausting.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 09, 2018, 09:10:26 PM
I'm more paranoid and combative than is usual but I don't know if it's environmental or biological.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 09, 2018, 10:50:20 PM
Hm also haven't been sleeping more than 5-6 hours but don't feel tired.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 13, 2018, 09:05:35 PM
I believe I could be in the midst of a hypomanic episode. I'm very paranoid lately, not sure if it's interfering with my relationships. I am not gonna touch acid again for some time, I think, because I need to reassess my hold on reality. I'm not delusional, I don't think, but my brother is a bonafide schizophrenic so I think I need to start treading more carefully.

Need to get reimbursed by insurance co. for appointment fees, 2x monthly is dropkicking my finances.

3rd shift job schedule has socially isolated me, fucked with my sleep, and makes doing any daytime chores an effort. I need a new job.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 16, 2018, 01:30:04 AM
Feeling pretty self loathing about awful things I've done to people, especially women.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 18, 2018, 09:17:43 PM
Missed ANOTHER appointment because I got distracted running errands. Annoying but I'm feeling alright, lately. Hung out with a group of only men for the first time last night. The similarities between me and other people I sometimes find uncomfortable. Had fun, though! Trying steadily to tackle social anxiety.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 20, 2018, 06:17:03 AM
I think my moods are uh, not stabilizing, but fitting into a more consistent if perhaps more intense pattern. I believe I may have developed some pretty solid skills with coping with my depression but we will see when the seasonal mood shift tries to kick my ass. I would very much like to get a psychiatrist who remembers my name and is less than 3 or 4 hours late to our appointments. I've been without mood stabilizers for a bit over a year now because I stopped seeing the only local one who suffered from the above flaws.

Anyway I also feel amazing right now.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 22, 2018, 01:33:32 AM
Changed thread name so other people are more comfortable sharing their experiences if they so desire, entire thread isn't supposed to be about me, I just liked the alliteration.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 28, 2018, 01:47:38 AM
I think my anger lately has been largely justified if perhaps occasionally disproportionate. I think I will do acid again soon and try to focus on better establishing healthy boundaries and intimacy rather than rushing.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 28, 2018, 07:12:16 AM
I need to stop looking at people's bodies when they're  looking at me. I'm checking their body language but I just realized it probably looks like ogling. I'm not saying I don't ogle but I'm polite about it.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: crymerci on August 28, 2018, 12:04:13 PM
You sound kinda agitated and I'm not sure LSD is the treatment for that. A lot of times acid is laced with speed to make it work for longer. So maybe what you're responding to is the speed, which can have a paradoxic effect on AD(H)D sufferers, settling them instead of amping them.

But you're going to find it really hard to determine what's going on and what to do about it, when you don't have a real baseline because you're substance hopping.

I think you might consider reading up on PTSD. It's possible that what you're experiencing is neither mania not hyperactivity, but hyper-vigilance (or that you have a dual/multi diagnosis including PTSD).
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on August 28, 2018, 07:31:55 PM
I've played ball with stimulants before so I'm usually aware of what they feel like. Could certainly be possible for the drugs I use to be laced with it. My occasional episodes of mania actually do feel a lot like I'm on speed, just for days or a couple of weeks at a time. I haven't done anything except occasionally smoke weed and use the vape for the last month and a half.
Title: Re: MeTekillot mental illness thread
Post by: spicemustflow on August 30, 2018, 04:12:45 PM
My psychiatrist is switching me off sertraline and onto lamictal and I must say, SSRI withdrawal suuuuuuucks.

Mind sharing for how long were you taking it and in what dosage? I don't really feel anything now that  I've discontinued it on my own and was taking it for about 8 months, 60mg
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on September 02, 2018, 05:09:54 AM
I take the lowest adult doses for my own things, and considering what I have I'm grateful that I am able to write this and understand what its saying. Apparently I'm pretty high-functioning, and its probably helped with my creativity in my books and in the game. You know, the books I write that no one has ever read.

Adult swim just had a marathon that I actually watched the whole thing of (except for about an hour of combined self-care/wandering off) and I'm pretty damn proud because usually I'm not that focused. I like that show.

SSRI withdraw does blow, and is partly the reason I'm on low doses. I don't need higher doses to survive, so I'm pretty happy with it.

That stack of African-American literature has been sitting patiently on my desk for the past week, waiting for me to dig in. I haven't so much as looked at it, but I have this thing now where, I can't really concentrate on a book for long usually, but sometimes I take the (shopping) bag that will have the books in it and just look at them and read the covers and flaps, the reviews on the back. (This part of my things has actually been getting better since my worst point so eventually I will get back to what is normal for me, so long as I keep with the trileptal.)

I take trileptal and invega, what do you guys take?

I think a guy down the street (he's a trucker, and he sleeps in that trailer maybe once a month) has bipolar disorder, but I'm not sure what kind and if he takes medicine. When I got my trileptal dose lowered to the lowest adult dose my ease to anger became more noticeable but I managed well and now I hardly notice anymore.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on September 02, 2018, 05:13:08 AM
I had a dream about a month ago where Trump was friends with this Japanese insane girl and some guy who was a white-blonde (and probably a fan of Trump) mocked him for being friends with her, and it was obviously because she was insane. Without thinking, I punched him a good punch in the snozz. I'm still proud of that dream. I wonder if it means anything for my waking life.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 02, 2018, 05:16:38 AM
You can say "black" and "black people", "african-american" is the jive term, now.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 12, 2018, 12:09:31 AM
My bullet train of motivation has slammed into the wall of my typical mood swings. Been sleeping terribly and not eating enough and struggling to muster the will to exercise. Might start taking caffeine for pre workout but I don't want to make my sleep problems worse.

My PERSONAL experience with mood stabilizers has been that the benefits were extremely mild or nonexistent, while also giving me side effects that I found intolerable in a cost benefit way.

Nutrition shakes and protein powder forcefed to myself to make sure I at least almost get my daily caloric need if not completely.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: OSOK on September 12, 2018, 11:18:40 PM
Just coming back to the game, browsing the forums.

Just wanted to tell you, MeT, that none of us, absolutely none of us, are "normal."  "Normal" doesn't exist, man.  We just... are, ya know?  Hope things go well for ya!
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 13, 2018, 02:49:13 AM
.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on September 13, 2018, 04:07:20 AM
Just take the mood stabilizers, man.

Yeah, mania feels great, but it's going to ruin you.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 13, 2018, 06:22:47 AM
.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 18, 2018, 01:51:14 AM
I'm finding that I'm starting to earnestly respect people and understand them a little better, despite their flaws and despite mine. Valuing them as human beings with their own desires and all.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 20, 2018, 01:42:33 AM
Sudden shock of ceasing both marijuana use and extremely high concentration nicotine seems to have thrown me into a manic episode.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on September 20, 2018, 05:16:21 AM
I haven't put every ounce of my energy into something in a while, so now I have all this pent-up energy needed to be put into some project with lots of effort. Its a physical sensation in my body, like the feeling you get when you're too close to a beehive. Video game I think, or taking notes from a textbook, until I get so sick of it I can't look at the book again, would fix it.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 20, 2018, 08:05:30 AM
Go for a run. I wish it were socially acceptable to run everywhere.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on September 26, 2018, 03:03:31 AM
I was dumb and went for a week taking regular, advised breaks during video game sessions. I am now so bipolar that I am occasionally twitching from the pent-up energy. I'm draining it, through focusing on a single extended activity for hours at a time, but of course its taking a while.

I thought I was alright for a couple of days after playing FFXII for half a day but it isn't all gone.

I listen to a podcast titled Sleep with Silk. They have 30-minute runs of things like 'footsteps in snow' and 'howling wind on the beach.' Its very soothing. Except for the footsteps in snow. I haven't heard the sound of someone walking around in deep snow since I was a little girl, so its a bit of an alarming thing to hear.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on September 26, 2018, 12:21:11 PM
Use your short breaks to do quick exercises. 10 pushups 25 jumping jacks. That sort of thing. And you will kill two birds with one stone.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 27, 2018, 07:19:43 AM
I think I'll try to tangle with my narcissism and constant low rage next trip I take. Until then I'll just mosh it out.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Delirium on September 27, 2018, 11:31:39 AM
How about not doing recreational drugs and taking what your doctor prescribed you and maybe more therapy?

I mean sure tripping is fun but this is your mental health.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 27, 2018, 06:24:18 PM
I'm not interested in tripping for the fun, it's helped me to facilitate breakthroughs (primarily my therapist who did all the work(though I should also give myself some credit)). The prescriptions I was on made my mood swings 10% better if that, while I got to deal with yhe wonderful side effects of being a 20 something man whose dick doesnt work.

I am angry at the people who hurt me because I am trying to build a healthy base of self esteem independent of the bravado of narcissism and being angry for what's been done to me is justified, but I am tired of being angry all the time.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Marauder Moe on September 27, 2018, 06:32:47 PM
I keep reading about studies showing long-term benefits from a single hallucinogenic usage.  If true, I bet they could be really effective in a medically controlled setting with supervision/guidance by a licensed therapist.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on September 27, 2018, 06:52:21 PM
I'm not sure my therapist is willing to play that fast and loose with regulations as she's relatively newly certified. I usually just take notes during and discuss with her after the fact.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Marauder Moe on September 27, 2018, 07:11:55 PM
Sorry, yeah, that was a dig at prudish government regulations, not a suggestion.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Boogerbear on October 03, 2018, 09:23:26 AM
Mental health is a serious issue.

I do believe most people are slipping into bouts of mental instability, whether it be due to a brutal, life-altering event... or maybe just a sense of stagnation/feelings of inadequacy or isolation.  At the end of the day, it's hard to define the things that can push someone over the edge.

When a person is hit with a really strong reason to drift off toward mental illness, I believe friends or a support group, even if it's an online community, can be a boon.  The problem with online communities and mental health is we are shielded from complete pictures, so it is often hard to understand how to deal with someone who is going through a Rough Time.

But in a game like ArmageddonMUD, whose community is relatively small and whose playerbase is relatively close at times, I think more attempts should be made to not, well, kick someone who is going through a rough time when they are down.  No, staff and players did not sign up to be pyschiatrists/counselors/even your friends.  It's not their job.  But there is a difference between a staff member plying to play shrink and maybe cutting a player known to be going through some rough shit a break.

In five years, due to high housing cost (1.2k) for a studio and due to the nature of my work, I've found myself homeless and in the depths of depression more times than I can recall.  I've obsessed over suicide at times, especially after seeing two other friends who had my job blow their brains out; one had three kids with twins on the way.

Finding a decent job, or even a half-decent job, has helped me more than anything.  Even if it's a shitty restaurant job, you're at least meeting people, making money, and stabilizing yourself with a routine.

The times I've been out of a routine are the times I've been most apt to abuse medication and/or drink heavily.  It's really easy for someone like Delirium to be like, hey dude, take your medicine like you're supposed to.  But in practice, especially with pharmaceuticals like benzos, it can be easier said than done.

In 2015 I was losing it and homeless in a way that most people couldn't imagine being homeless, and then, while homeless, I managed to get one of the best jobs in my life.  Now, I live in another country and saw a sea lion swimming in the Atlantic Ocean (3 blocks away) from my balcony this morning.  But it was landing a job that I could be somewhat proud of that really helped turn me around - and then a couple of other, similar jobs.

Had I continued to remain in the same place, in the same state of being, around the same people... well, I'm scared of what my life would look like today.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on October 03, 2018, 10:35:30 AM
I reported my coworker who was sexually harassing me, so that's good for my mental health. He's acting like a kicked dog around me now but he can fuck himself. Creepy ass old man.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: evilcabbage on October 03, 2018, 10:56:27 AM
if you are going through rough times and just want someone to talk to, you can always message cabbage on discord, cabbage will listen and not judge.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on October 14, 2018, 08:21:04 AM
I got too drunk and behaved badly toward one of my sister's friends (grumpy badly, not a more sinister type of badly) and was hit with waves of self-loathing more intense than I've had for quite some time. Feeling better now that I sobered up a little bit. Think I might be more careful with the amount of alcohol I consume.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: 650Booger on October 14, 2018, 04:50:41 PM
jiu jitsu saved my life.  im not even kidding.  try it.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on October 16, 2018, 07:04:41 AM
Was spiraling into a depression of self doubt, hopelessness, and self loathing the other night that I was able to psyche myself up and out of with my coping skills.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on October 24, 2018, 07:41:29 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/SrhwYRN.png?1)
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on October 24, 2018, 08:49:26 PM
It's Krispy Kreme, ya fool.

That being said, I'm already having a shit ton of obstacles trying to get accommodations for my kid who has ADD and Aspberger's.

He's in kindergarten for fuck's sake, and I'm already having to fight these motherfuckers.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on November 12, 2018, 12:16:09 PM
A big part of me ever passing for "normal" is just learning how to cope with sensory overload and the different ways that I express myself. I practice turns of phrase, manners of speaking, facial expressions, gestures, etc. My emotions are as sensitive as my nerves so I've had to teach myself meditative breathing, too. Also, weed.

Seasonal depression is kicking my ass but I've made some strides in therapy and also managed to make a couple of friends whose presence I enjoy and who enjoy mine.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on November 22, 2018, 08:44:00 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on November 24, 2018, 02:04:35 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on November 26, 2018, 08:33:57 PM
I think I'm misunderstood and in the right too many of the times where I'm just being a vicious, manipulative son of a bitch.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on November 26, 2018, 10:35:57 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on November 27, 2018, 12:38:57 AM
I think I'm misunderstood and in the right too many of the times where I'm just being a vicious, manipulative son of a bitch.

Yeah I had this realization about myself somewhat recently. How many times have I thought I was in the right. How many times have I thought I was being perfectly rational, but in reality my biases and emotions were clouding the truly rational approach. Like, everyone has moments where they look back and go, damn I was wrong. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all the times I can't even realize I was wrong, but I still was wrong.

Makes me approach arguments differently than how I used to.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 03, 2018, 09:21:36 PM
How many delusional beliefs am I running around with that I'm completely unaware of as unreasonable? Sometimes people take the things I say as complete nonsense, but they also do this when I challenge a stone-set common social tradition.

Also, I've been trying to write poetry.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on December 05, 2018, 12:00:18 AM
This Christmas is looking to be a really good one for me and my family, is my happy thought for today.

I was able to say something to my mom about a symptom of my condition (a kind of eventually uncontainable strain that happens when I stop entertaining myself for longer than a few hours) that I'd been hiding for years that I'd long thought was unbelievable, and that has always kept me from working, moving out, etc. See, most schizophrenics aren't as lucky as me and struggle just to communicate with people, much less be able to identify anything wrong with themselves and be able to tell others about it. (I was actually just like a normal schizophrenic for a few years, but managed to get above it somehow and get medicated.)

While I am actually getting quite strained from it lately due to a lot of work around the house, clearing the air like this has really lightened my world. They believe me; I know I should try to recognize my bouts of paranoia and not believe them, because before I was all like: Oh, they're never going to believe me, what am I going to do, I'm only getting older. The paranoia is strong enough to warp my beliefs and judgements into something they're not; and its so much like real paranoia that I have trouble distinguishing it from real feelings, unlike the voices.

I know some people look at schizophrenics on medicine and say, Oh, the medicine is never going to work, we should get them off of it. I say, its better to be on the medicine for that condition than not--- for me, the voices are almost gone.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 05, 2018, 08:16:06 AM
Nobody says schizophrenics don't need medicine except people who know nothing about medicine, Cind. I think you should keep taking your medicine.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on December 06, 2018, 01:51:34 AM
Oh, I know. I guess I just didn't feel like it was helping for a long time, until it felt like it was helping.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 07, 2018, 07:25:20 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 09, 2018, 02:32:38 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: X-D on December 09, 2018, 05:47:53 AM
What gives you the impression that everybody else is not doing exactly that?
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 09, 2018, 05:50:33 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: X-D on December 09, 2018, 06:02:09 AM
Well, I do not know you personally....so, I cannot say if you are better at getting what you want then the norm....I tend to think not, that it is likely more perceived then anything. I am good at getting what I want...but not because I am any better at manipulation then anybody else, which BTW is something everybody does all the time, but because I persist. This is something that is a main factor to anybody that is good at getting what they want.

To quote Don Pentecost: "The winner of a knife fight is usually the one that wants it most."
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 09, 2018, 11:31:35 AM
Badass.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 09, 2018, 12:53:28 PM
Experiencing enough hearing loss that I sometimes completely mishear what people say. Somewhat distressing. Hope they advance regenerative medicine pretty significantly soonish.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 09, 2018, 10:01:10 PM
I absolutely need to stop drugs immediately with no concession.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 09, 2018, 10:18:51 PM
Yes.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 10, 2018, 09:08:53 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 10, 2018, 10:28:10 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 11, 2018, 07:04:07 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 11, 2018, 10:56:57 PM
As usual please feel free to vent your own mental illness or offer others advice, assuming they are open to advice. I am. Just please don't be insulted if I choose not to take the whole of your advice, or if I actually go completely against it. But I believe every person has wisdom to share even if they don't do so deliberately.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Cind on December 12, 2018, 03:09:54 AM
Shit, maybe people aren't looking at me because I'm hot but because of my weird autistic posture and maybe my walk isn't as seamless as I think it is. Fuck.

EDIT: Some of them are definitely because I'm hot though but how many are because I'm weird?

This reminds me of how I panic sometimes because I get worried over things that my younger self would not think are a big deal at all.

I'm lucky to have this perspective because schiz manifests in your twenties most of the time, giving you a (mostly) normal childhood where your reactions are more normal and you have that experience to compare. This is how I handle my panicky moments.

I like venting as well, I guess I'm used to hiding it though. But this does make me feel better.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 12, 2018, 06:58:33 AM
As usual please feel free to vent your own mental illness or offer others advice, assuming they are open to advice. I am. Just please don't be insulted if I choose not to take the whole of your advice, or if I actually go completely against it. But I believe every person has wisdom to share even if they don't do so deliberately.

My advice then to you:

Fire your therapist and find one who has respect for the legal ramifications of what would happen if you had a violent psychotic episode while on LSD, and they find out he/she knew you were taking it and prescribed other mood-altering meds anyway.

Stop self-medicating. Yes, LSD was initially used to treat psychosis. It was removed as an option for valid medical reasons: the results of taking it cannot be controlled, you never know what your mind will do in response, until your mind actually does it. Also it wasn't street drugs, it was fresh from the chemist, administered in a medical setting.

You have a debilitating illness that needs to be treated. There is no cure for it, there is only treatment, management, and behavior modification. You need to do all three, and the methodology needs to be determined by a licensed professional. You cannot successfully treat your own illness. This is why doctors generally go to OTHER doctors when they're sick, and don't try to doctor themselves. Your input with your treatment is crucial; the doctors need to keep track of your reaction and how you feel when you experience the treatment, side effects if any, etc. But it is the doctors who need to be the leaders of your treatment experience. You need someone who isn't inside your own skin to observe and judge results.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 12, 2018, 07:56:45 AM
Excellent points.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 12, 2018, 10:15:37 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 12, 2018, 12:16:10 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Brytta Léofa on December 12, 2018, 01:19:10 PM
I need to stop drugs but I'd have to commit to hanging out with teetotalers and most of that type I think I'd be able to find would be overwhelmingly lame at my age? Isn't almost every college age person experimenting with drugs?

This doesn't square with my experience, but my experience isn't typical so I am trying the Google:
Quote from: https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/report_2361/ShortReport-2361.html
In 2014, there were an estimated 12.4 million college students aged 15 to 24 in the United States. As these youth enter adulthood, substance use appears common for many of them. More than one-third of full-time college students aged 18 to 22 engaged in binge drinking in the past month; about 1 in 5 used an illicit drug in the past month.

Looks like, of full-time college students (which, noted, ain't exactly what you specified), in a given month:
* about 20% use illegal drugs
* about 40% drink a loooot (5 drinks in two hours for a male--this would put me on the floor, but I didn't start drinking till my 30s)
* about 20% drink, but not a loooot
* about 40% don't drink

So, for the record, you're not limited to hanging with the teetotalers if you eschew the drugs: there are lots of drinkers who aren't consuming anything illegal (aside from the whole age limit thing).
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 12, 2018, 08:30:22 PM
I've been listening to loud music very frequently despite my previous struggles with tinnitus and I just noticed a distinct spike in its severity. I'm also extremely congested though. I hope I'm able to cope with this if it ends up permanent.

EDIT: The volume has increased to a level that is currently somewhat stressful but I'm prone to anxiety. I'm also extremely adaptable to stress, so I'll see how much it bothers me later. I've dealt with this before.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 13, 2018, 07:14:32 AM
Tinnitus can be caused by a few different things, but hearing loss is one of them. Exposure to extremely loud sounds is another. People who get off airplanes typically experience it for several minutes, sometimes without even noticing (studies have asked people to pay attention next time and report back, that's how they realized it). Going to a concert is pretty much guaranteed to trigger tinnitus. Loud noises also contribute to eventual hearing loss. And hearing loss can cause tinnitus.

So you're probably experiencing both hearing loss and a double-dose of tinnitus: partly caused by the volume of the music, and partly because of the hearing loss.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 14, 2018, 07:29:06 AM
Dreamt about my dad that night after a day where I experienced some workplace bullying. He tried to cow me with threatening violence. Instead of bowing I started screaming in his face. Wonder what it means.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: The7DeadlyVenomz on December 14, 2018, 10:18:59 AM
Drugs are stupid - stop doing them. Fuck.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 14, 2018, 01:25:27 PM
Haven't used weed in a few days. Extremely prone to overstimulation now. Hoping it levels out.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Synthesis on December 14, 2018, 02:15:25 PM
I'm guessing it's more likely you're rolling over into a manic episode, and you just -think- everyone is more interested in you, because y'know:

Quote from: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955
Mania and hypomania

Mania and hypomania are two distinct types of episodes, but they have the same symptoms. Mania is more severe than hypomania and causes more noticeable problems at work, school and social activities, as well as relationship difficulties. Mania may also trigger a break from reality (psychosis) and require hospitalization.

Both a manic and a hypomanic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

    Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired
    Increased activity, energy or agitation
    Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)
    Decreased need for sleep
    Unusual talkativeness
    Racing thoughts
    Distractibility
    Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments



Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 14, 2018, 05:17:38 PM
He did shrooms the other night, he said, and this probably and possibly triggered this manic state.

It's not helping your autism symptoms if it's making your bipolar worse.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Jarvis on December 14, 2018, 06:23:44 PM
Haven't used weed in a few days. Extremely prone to overstimulation now. Hoping it levels out. Not used to extreme amount of interest from others.

Usually a good rule of thumb is focusing in inaction, and if you keep feeling this way after two weeks to a month, then you could start safely assuming that you are having a lucid perception.

Whilst I know its hard, try not to let this affect your relations with people. ESPECIALLY if what you are unsure are manic delusions or not is also paired up with hyper sexuality. Then, I'd emphasize inaction.

Know I'm a pretty new member, but was lurking and I'm sympathizing with your situation.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 14, 2018, 07:25:02 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 14, 2018, 07:30:04 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 15, 2018, 08:58:15 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 16, 2018, 04:54:22 AM
I struggle with intense loneliness because of my disorder.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Strongheart on December 16, 2018, 12:21:32 PM
 :(
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 16, 2018, 12:40:37 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 16, 2018, 04:38:55 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 16, 2018, 05:15:39 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 16, 2018, 07:00:14 PM
Making eye contact is a difficult task for many people, even some who aren't on the spectrum. But I would like to suggest to you a couple of things that can help:

1. If you haven't already, check out some youtube videos of Temple Grandin. Especially the lectures she gives about the autistic brain.

2. Take a lesson from Dr. Grandin: try to seek out people who have shared interests with you. Look at your strengths, things you are naturally predisposed to doing well. Find out which of those things are of the most interest to you, personally. And then seek out others who have the same interests. This will improve your social "game" immensely.

I've been interested in Dr. Grandin for many years, and so much of what she says rings true for me. I've never been diagnosed "on the spectrum" but I definitely exhibit many of the traits in the category. Even now at age 57 when I visited with my parents, my mom had to point out to me that I wasn't swinging my arms when I walk. Very very typical autism trait. And when I'm especially frustrated OR especially excited even in a happy way, I flap my hands. Textbook autism trait. There are others but those are the two most publicly recognized.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 17, 2018, 01:25:34 AM
Don't goddamn take street drugs. Started having stroke symptoms so went to the ER and I slumped over in triage. Was saying "my head feels kinda funny" then next thing I know the guy is telling a room full of people who weren't there before stuff about me. Came to screaming.

Goddamn know it all young buck fucking idiot asshole.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 17, 2018, 09:31:20 AM
When you mean a room full of people, do you mean people or interns? When Solomon was in the hospital after he was born, I had rounds of interns and med students come and hear the doctors taking care of him what was wrong with him, his symptoms, how they were treating him. Are you sure it was just a group of randoms? Because if so, that's a huge HIPPA violation and you can sue.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 17, 2018, 12:16:42 PM
Medical personnel. He was telling them about my condition.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Jarvis on December 17, 2018, 12:47:18 PM
Yep, sounds like interns. They have those sometimes, they let them watch and get some field experience in their area.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on December 21, 2018, 07:54:10 PM
Some days I feel like there's an endless amount of things of interest to me. Science, news, music, exercise, friends, working, books, tv, drugs, movies, games, camping/hiking, podcasts, streams, sports... all chock full of great shit I love to experience. Other days it feels like I can't find a single thing that will keep my interest among any of them.

I'm only just starting to realize it's my mood that is causing this disparity, and not a lack of things to find within those examples.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 01:29:30 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 01:32:33 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 01:39:05 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 01:43:02 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 01:56:50 AM
My friend's dog cuddled up to me when he found me crying. So that is soothing.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: X-D on December 22, 2018, 06:53:42 AM
Ugh...I will try to work through these.....

Quote
I'm finding it hard to make friends that don't share my unshakable self confidence. I try hard (in person) to not talk about myself as people grow obviously insecure oe sniveling or resentful when I do nothing but walk in a room. No one seems to take an interest in what I say (because I speak in a nearly inaudible mumble at all times) or their interest is in service to obvious ulterior motives. People seem to feel entitled to my time or to make attacks toward my self esteem. I receive much more consideration for saying the same thing that someone less attractive would and it is painfully obvious. I'm still just as alienated from people as I was before. Feeding my narcissism feels like small consolation. At least I don't struggle so much with my appearance. Is it unfair to me to downplay my looks purposefully?

I wonder how you define "friend".....and yes, people of course prefer when you talk about them or something else...Stop mumbling then, make no apology, speak loudly and in control as any alpha would. I walk into a room, I own that room and everybody in it. Now that does not mean that I roll in there like some loud brash fucktard, but I do move in with a strut, head high, shoulders back and look everybody in the eye, Confidence goes a long way in social settings. Looks schmooks...it means far less then you seem to think.

Quote
Girls my friends are dating keep doing weird presentory stuff to me to communicate interest and I don't know how to fucking handle it. How do you bring that up without sounding like a cocky asshole?

I just want to sit and play some goddamn video games. Where do the people with self confidence with loyal girlfriends hang out? I just want a friendship without some kind of tension hanging thick in the air. I feel so isolated.

The tension is likely in your own head...ignore it. And again, if acting alpha, such things are beneath you anyway. Oh, as to the cocky asshole, I am a cocky asshole, I own that shit bitch. I will take your girlfriend for a night or three and hand her back with a smile, tired, sweaty and worn out. Bleh...soy boy beta males deserve no less.

Quote
I let people think they're smarter than me because too often they don't comprehend what I'm trying to say because I lack the social skills and oratory ability to present the information in an interesting way or they grow even more uncomfortable in my presence when they realize I am also more intelligent than average. I'm wracked with anxiety because so many of my social interactions are me trying to assuage the ego of someone uncomfortable in my presence.

Stop it...some people are smarter....the people that can handle it will stay around and the others will not. It is that simple and nothing to worry about.

Quote
My friend's dog cuddled up to me when he found me crying. So that is soothing.

Dogs rule. It is likely that we would not be where we are without them.

Also, it seems to me that your major issue is not so much all the things you worry/talk about, but that you worry.

Stop it, worry is useless, I honestly do not understand how anybody does it, but it seems that almost all "normal" People do. I do not, because it is 100% pointless. There is one choice on anything you worry about...either you cannot do anything about it, in which case it will work out however and beyond your control, so wasting thought on it is pointless...OR you can control it and do...so wasting thought on it is pointless.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 22, 2018, 02:36:05 PM
Have you scheduled an appointment yet?
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 05:22:27 PM
I spoke with my therapist a few days ago. My finances are in some stress at the moment due to me not being careful but I'll be fine until next Friday.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 22, 2018, 08:31:21 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 22, 2018, 09:48:51 PM
I spoke with my therapist a few days ago. My finances are in some stress at the moment due to me not being careful but I'll be fine until next Friday.

Dude. They have a sliding scale. I told you this. You need more than just a therapist.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 23, 2018, 12:11:26 AM
I feel like you assume that because I am extremely open with the thoughts and sentiments other people keep private or don't realize the subconsciously have that I am in a worse place mentally than I actually am.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 23, 2018, 09:19:28 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 23, 2018, 05:40:17 PM
Or could be the LSD has shifted my brain chemistry in a significant enough way that I comprehend social subtleties like fireworks now, as I do most sensations. People glancing at me out of their corner of their eye is as obvious to me as them turning their whole body to stare at me. A slight shift of their posture, etcetera. I'm still in the after-effects of all my trips, probably. I do hope this social sensitivity sticks around. I was completely disengaged from other people's mind states before the acid, I'm aware of that. The world makes a lot more sense now.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 23, 2018, 07:40:33 PM
Some days I feel like there's an endless amount of things of interest to me. Science, news, music, exercise, friends, working, books, tv, drugs, movies, games, camping/hiking, podcasts, streams, sports... all chock full of great shit I love to experience. Other days it feels like I can't find a single thing that will keep my interest among any of them.

I'm only just starting to realize it's my mood that is causing this disparity, and not a lack of things to find within those examples.
Could be smoking shit-tons of weed depletes your ability to focus on things, which might be already affected with you in the first place?
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 23, 2018, 09:42:02 PM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 24, 2018, 01:30:49 AM
You self diagnosing yourself isn't helping anything. YOU need a professional, beyond the scope of therapy. I've given you the tools and resources, I've asked my family in Louisville for resources that are sliding scale, since you claim you have no money and then you do at the same time, and I check in constantly. If you won't take them to get yourself help, then I've done all I can.

If you polled every single person who has seen this thread, they would tell you that you need to see someone who deals in treating mental illnesses, not just in therapy. I guarantee it.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 24, 2018, 10:11:05 AM
Truth be told, boog, I'm not interested in anymore antiboner zombie pills. I know that i haven't tried ALL of them, but I tried at least six and I'm not at all interested in getting my shit fucked up further by them or any other drugs for that matter. I'm kicking the junk. The worst I'll do is maybe a little bit of weed to unwind once in a while, MAYBE, and perhaps a drink or two if I have to go out into a party or something.

I'll try to get a diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder or lack of it for work and school concessions. We'll see how that goes.
Quote from: boog link=topic=52075.msg1025065#msg1025065
since you claim you have no money and then you do at the same time.
Huh?
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Jarvis on December 24, 2018, 02:05:17 PM
antiboner zombie pills

Thats way too painfully accurate.
But I do agree with boog, get a diagnosis done by a professional. Self-diagnosis is not only bad but its also counter-productive.

Its the equivalent of going on webMD looking for how many tumors you have.
Once you get an accurate diagnosis done by a professional,  aka a psychiatrist.
Therapists giving you pills is a worse gamble than lottery. Go see a private psychiatrist, not a hospital once, since you only get 15 minutes with those and they won't give a raining shit about you. Once they diagnose you, you'll be treated accurately, with pills that will actually help you.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Lizzie on December 24, 2018, 02:28:29 PM
...or they might send him to rehab, where he can detoxify properly in a supervised setting, and bring him back to square one where they can see exactly what's wrong (if anything) without all the drugs and unhealthy behaviors interfering with an actual diagnosis.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on December 24, 2018, 07:51:28 PM
edit: See next post
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: boog on December 24, 2018, 08:28:11 PM
Rehab and detox from what?

It's easy to just say "Go see a private professional, but not one of those general, assembly-line style professionals." But if you don't have money the latter sort is really the only kind you will ever see. And the latter sort should eventually be enough, through enough visits and an open enough patient. But if he's already been through 6 different meds then very clearly he's already been to see the latter sort.

the latter part is bullshit. I gave him the information he needs for a network of doctors who work on a sliding scale basis.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: RogueGunslinger on December 24, 2018, 09:19:35 PM
Edit 4: You know, I should probably just not talk about things like this, for even the possibility of being misunderstood. But if there's anything I want to say definitively it's this this: If your mental situation is affecting your life negatively, seek outside help from a professional.

And that's all that I should really ever say.
Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 25, 2018, 09:29:31 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: MeTekillot on December 25, 2018, 10:05:31 AM
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Title: Re: Mental illness thread
Post by: Nathvaan on December 26, 2018, 06:52:27 AM
Locking this topic.  It has been heavily self redacted so it seem the discussion is complete.